Da Bears, Politics, n Penn State

Where to begin, let’s see…  Hello fellow Nagel followers, glad to be back.  I seem to have misplaced my keyboard for quite sometime, but low and behold it was sitting next to the cheap bottle of half empty port (always in front of me), how could I miss it.

These are some crazy times, and we have some important issues to discuss, from the presidential election to the BCS polls to the Chicago Bears defense; they all have serious problems.  I know, I know, lies win elections… certain conferences are “better” then others and Chicago land football is all about bruising defensive toughness.

Bull Honky I say (not actually sure what that means).  But anyway…

Q: Are people really dumb enough to believe these lies?

A: Abso-freakin-lutely

The main reason all these things exist, is because people are not that smart (I include myself in this statement, as I have fallen for it many times, wait no I haven‘t, but at least I considered it a possibility)… refer to exibit A:

(26 August 2006, Leicester, England) Darren’s death was a mystery. The 33-year-old was found slumped in the hallway of his house, bleeding from stab wounds to his chest. Police initially assumed that an assailant had attacked him, but they could find no supporting evidence. A year later, the inquest revealed why Darren can stake his claim to a place among the winners of the Darwin Award.

Darren had called a friend, but minutes after he hung up, rang back to ask for an ambulance. The front door was ajar, and Darren was found lying near a bloodstained lock-knife he had purchased whilst on holiday in Spain. Forensics investigators saw no indication of a struggle, and the coroner reported that the stab wounds seemed to be self-inflicted. However, Darren had shown no suicidal tendencies.

His wife, who was on holiday at the time of the incident, cleared up the mystery, and revealed why our subject will go down in history as a Darwin Award winner. As she was leaving for the holiday, she remembered Darren wondering whether his new jacket was ‘stab-proof’.

That’s right. Darren decided to find out if his jacket could withstand a knife attack. Did he choose to test his jacket while it was draped over the back of a chair? No, our man thought that the best approach would be to wear the garment and stab himself. Sadly, his choice of armor proved less resistant to a sharp blade than he had hoped.

The coroner reached a verdict of accidental death by ‘misadventure’.

See, I told you.

I run across people regularly that still think Obama’s Muslim, the Big 10 sucks, and the Bears Defense is why they win games.  Wrong, Wrong, and Wrong.

All political quagmires it seems.  One devised to win an election, one devised to get better rankings and one devised to fit tradition.  So let’s settle this once and for all.  Barrack Obama is a normal American dude, not a terrorist, and he’s a smart guy, and not an anti Semite… The Big 10 is good, even though Michigan stinks and Ohio State loses in big Games, and The Bears have an average defense and a very good offense.  Oh, and Colt Brennen is a stooge, just thought I’d throw that in.

Hmmm, I honestly don’t know what to say to republicans except “really?” and “c’mon”  in the words of Peter Griffin.  I know you’re either poor and religious or rich and greedy, but let’s just put that behind us and make the world better.  To you religious freaks, get over it, we all like to be spiritual but keep it to yourself, maybe you guys can come up with a ban on marriage to God while you’re at it, Jesus.  And to all you evil rich bastards, seriously, have you ever seen Robin Hood?  He’s the good guy, and you’re the bad guys, remember?  Share your shit or we will rob from the rich to give to the poor, cause it’s noble.  You Bastards.  Yet I digress.

Let’s take a look at why people think the Big 12 and the SEC as the holy grail.  I mean how else could you explain Alabama and Texas Tech being ahead of Penn State in the BCS poll, when all teams are undefeated… Texas Tech?  Really?  What a joke.  Oh they must have played harder out of conference teams right?  Let’s see, Eastern Washington, Nevada, Southern Methodist, and Massachusetts.  Ha, did anyone even know these schools had football teams?  These guys had one hard game and they won against Texas at home.  That’s it.  Certainly not reason enough to vault from 7 to 2 in front of Penn State, a team that has also beaten everyone they’ve faced, including Ohio St. on the road.  And let’s not forget that Penn State absolutely destroyed the team that handed USC it’s only loss, Oregon St.  And then when considering the great Alabama, besides Georgia (a team that was obviously very overrated at the beginning of the season) has only played 2 other teams that are over .500 Mississippi and Kentucky, both mediocre teams at best.  So when it really comes down to it, Penn State is just as worthy of the #1 spot as either of these teams, and certainly, you cannot deny Joe Paterno’s undefeated team a shot at the championship.

Moving on.  Moving on.  Wait, I need to write more about the Bears, but first I need to sleep.  Just remember, Kyle Orton is a Stud.

100,097 Readers Can’t ALL Be Wrong

Colt Brennan….just kidding. A tenth of the way to a million, now I say, “Damn you Thrillho for giving me a site with no ad revenue.”

Lab Boy Begins

After successfully surviving a late night incident involving a Chrysler 300 and some bats with THRILLHO and LWN, I (LAB BOY) have been given the go ahead to begin contributing. While there are so many things happening in the world that need to be discussed there is not the space, time, nor interest to discuss them all. However, there are some people out there who go above and beyond the call of duty, and I have decided to applauded them in what I have coined “Props from Lab Boy”. So here we go…

This Weeks ‘Props from Lab Boy’

1. Props to you Chinese race walker Song Hongjuan! While most of the world does not know (or care) that race walking is a sport, you are pushing the limits of how fast the human body can walk. To most people race walking is to the olympics what Colt Brennan is to the NFL…worthless and boring. But not to Song! And I know what all you readers are thinking, “LAB BOY, didn’t Song fail a drug test for the endurance enhancing EPO?” But who are we to judge? We aren’t the one’s that have go out and walk everyday. Honestly, I don’t know if it is even physically possible to do training walks everyday without the assistance of endurance boosting drugs.

2. Props to Usain Bolt, for slowing down at the end of olympic 100m! Finally an athlete is smart enough to realize that if you shatter a world record at the olympics you are going to get drug tested like crazy for as long as you have that record. Is Bolt on drugs? I can only make an educated guess. Sprinters using drugs is like regular people breaking the speed limit; it’s illegal and you might get caught, but you and everyone you know continue to do it. Bolt knows he could have shattered the world record, and run substantially faster than any man in history (including those who took drugs). If Bolt doesn’t play his cards right he could end up in the ever growing elite group of pharmaceutical assisted athletes. Lets look at brief list of some of the greatest sprinters who have have recieved bans for performance enhancing drug issues.

Name…Time…Interesting Note
Marion Jones…10.65…Hired Johnny Cochrane in high school (for her performance enhancing drug scandal)
Tim Montgomery…9.78…Marion Jones’ Baby Daddy
Ben Johnson…9.79…Once raced a race horse and a stock car
Justin Gatlin…9.77…Former leading spokesperson against drug use in sports
Carl Lewis…9.86…One of 100+ Americans involved in (supposed) US drug “cover-up”

3. Props to Russian high jumper Ivan Ukhov for combining my two favorite things, world class sports and drinking.  Like a rockstar Ukhov was seen drinking Redbull and Vodka during a European grand prix track meet last week.  The video of his incredible performance can be seen here.   Aparrently one of the other high jumpers snitched on Ukhov to the officials.  I assume the only reason this backstabbing snitch reported Ukhov is because he lost to him.  Hey snitch, if your losing to a drunk Russian maybe your not cut out for the high jump!!!

4. Props to you (former) Iowa City Community College President Robert Paxton for showing students what college is really about…partying.  Not only did you get caught literally pouring beer from a coors light mini-keg into a bikini clad coed’s mouth, but you got a $400,000 resignation package.  Well played sir.  While I consider Paxton one of my hero’s we was semi-defensive after the ‘incident’ stating, “The beer keg was broken and wasn’t dispensing beer into the young woman’s mouth”.   Additionally, just to set the record straight about his 19 year-old son who was arrested for second-offense drunken driving early the next morning Paxton stated, “He was in the boat but was not drinking.”  Again, well played.

 

5. And finally, props to you University of Miami football coach Randy Shannon for refusing to shake University of Florida coach Urban Meyer’s hand after Meyer decided to kick a field in the closing minutes of the Gators 26-3 victory over the Canes.   As Shannon said, “Sometimes when you do things and people see what kind of person you really are, you turn a lot of people off.”  So what if you (Shannon) were a member of the UM team that ran up the score and beat Notre Dame 58-7 in 1985…that is not relevant here.  The point is that for many years the University of Miami football program has been know for their class and sportsmanship both on and off the field.  I defy you readers to find 1 time the Canes ever acted classless!  Lucky for Canes Tebow wasn’t on the field for this final score…I assume becuase he had to get up early the next morning for church service/ending world hunger/curing cancer.   Shame on you Urban Meyer for not giving pity to that poor ACC team!  Urban, the University of Florida didn’t hire you to dominate football games, they hired you to be a nice friendly guy on the field!

College Football Week 2

I went 1-3 and damn, that wasn’t the worst part of Saturday.

Dear readers, we all know that LWN is quite fond of Gainesville.  Now that I live only 1.5 short hours away from the “Tree City,” I made a trip over after the Hawaii game to meet up with Thrillho and some of my merry minstrels.  Unfortunately, the night ending in sheer terror, I think.  What I mean by this is that three of us were pummelled with what I beleive I told the police in my report “bat-like objects.”  For reasons unknown, LWN, Thrillho and soon-to-be contributor “lab boy” were beaten nearly unconscious by a roving group of, [well I guess you could call them] thugs for no reason whatsoever.

LWN’s SUPER CRAZY NFL DRAFT PREVIEW

I hope that the NFL will learn something from Freddie Prinze Jr’s career.  Remember when you couldn’t go five minutes without seeing a teen flick staring the actor of Puerto Rican, German, Jewish and Italian descent.  He was everywhere; he had roles in I Know What You Did Last Summer, AND I Know What You Did Last Summer 2.  He starred in She’s All That, for Christ sakes and was a mischievous Jessica Biel- loving stud in Summer Catch.