X-mas Gift Guide

LWN recently wrapped up some X-mas shopping this week at Target and found some do’s and don’t for purchase in the toy section for this season’s festivities.  Ho Ho Ho.

Don’t

Don’t buy the Bratz World Twins for your daughter, or sexually confused son unless you hope they start becoming annorexic and showing off their midriff before the age of seven.  Are we really confused why things like this happen in America?

You might as well try to track down a “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset” if you want to go for the gusto.

Alcohol usually makes a great gift……….unless it’s a Mike’s Hard Lemonade Mix pack!  If you buy this and the Bratz World Twins, then you are probably trying to hook up with a seventh grader.  Cold, Hard, Refreshing………MY ASS!

So I was thinking for my American Idol tryout I was going to consider doing something different…..Something sexy and risque, you know to cement my status as a double threat guy.  LWN doesn’t just sing, he also dances…….dirty.  Not only is this video a workout, it also gives important lessons on how to impregnate girls in upstate New York cabins over the summer, and then perform a dance routine in front of a bunch of old geriatrics at the early bird special for some reason.  If you buy this video, you are a loser and should probably get some peanut butter too….you know for the dog.

Leg Magic! for a sexy skirt line!  You should probably buy this product if you don’t feel like going outside for a run every now and again.  Look at the sliding motion, it eliminates all fat in one simple motion!  It’s also portable so you can show off your sexy skirt line on business trips.  Amazing that this is not endorsed by Tony Little.

The NBA 3 in 1 carry sack.

1.  Take gobs of money.

2.  Become an asshole.

3.  Play no defense.

“S’mores…….When you want to tell your daughter I only love you enough to buy you a fake pony.”  Or, “S’mores…….A pony on a redneck budget.”

Walking poles!  Wait for it…..

If your everyday walking poles aren’t good enough, get the ALL-Terrain walking poles.  I mean who doesn’t need these?  And they are about 20 bucks so……..what a bargain right?

Ah, the piece de resistance!  The officially licenced Tony Romo football.  Just remember kids, it plays great in September and October, falls off in November and does not play well at all in December!

DO’s

This is awesome.  You should buy it, I almost did.

The Han Solo Bobblehead!!!!!!!!!  I did buy this for $6.  I’m a dork.

Rockband…..No smarmy slogan needed.

The official Storm Trooper helmet……………because we can dream of incarcerating Princess Leah too!

Yes, that is an official 1987 Super Bowl XXI sweater.

Happy holidays.

Bowl Games Volume 1

Today Bowl Fever SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPS through college football outposts across the nation.  From Annapolis to Colorado Springs, from Tampa to Tucson fans are ready to cheer on their squads in small numbers (most likely).

11:00 AM-  We will start with what looks like the AM snoozefest.  Navy and Wake Forest get together to play in the inaugural Eagle Bank Bowl.  Fans will be treated to Wake’s terrible passing game and Navy’s nearly non-existent passing game.  The over is 44.  The last time these two squads met the score was 24-17 Navy.

This time just take the over (44), as  I have no idea who will win this game.

Team A 28
Team B 21

2:30PM-  Colorado State and Fresno State tangle in the New Mexico Bowl, and for the first time the New Mexico Lobos will not be in attendance.

Fresno State has had a disappointing season by their standards and Colorado State is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, then deep fried.

I’ll take Fresno State -3.

Fresno 35
CSU 28

4:30 PM-  South Florida meets Memphis in the St. Petersburg Bowl played in the ugliest baseball stadium in America.  Both teams have not had great seasons.  Memphis’ biggest win came against Southern Miss who ended the season 6-6 (an identical record to Memphis).

South Florida on the other hand, went 2-5 in the Big East and did beat Kansas.  They started the season 5-0 then went 2-5 down the stretch to find themselves in this “bowl.”

South Florida is giving 11, but I think they’ll be fine.

USF 30
Memphis 10

8:00 PM-  The thrilling nightcap is a tilt between BYU and Arizona which should provide the best game of the day in the Las Vegas Bowl.

BYU is ranked #16 in the nation and they are getting 3 points?  They were 10-2 and the PAC 10 is not that awesome.  I’ll take the field goal and laugh my way to the bank.

BYU 24
Arizona 14

Bet fiddy across.

Gill Inked

3 years and two days ago the University at Buffalo embarked on a new mission to raise their program from it’s lackluster on-field performance and bring in a new coach with a proven track record to provide the meager fan base something, anything that would make them competitive.

They found a coach, who when first contacted did not know that Buffalo had a division I-A program after the new Athletic Director with a Michigan pedigree couldn’t even get people in his inner circle to provide him with ANYONE that had ANY interest in signing on to become Buffalo’s new head man.

He, or the search committee placed a call to a Player Development Director with the Green Bay Packers to gauge his interest in the position.  He was going to out and out decline the invitation to interview, but then after discussing it with his wife he changed his mind and felt that at the very least this interview would at least prepare him for future job openings.

For all the UB-Believers

Hokie200Proof Was Right…

I was wrong…..

And couldn’t be happier

MAC Championship Preview

“The Picture Doesn’t Exactly Explain My Predicted Outcome”

It is no secret that I am unabashed UB supporter and graduate.  These claims I cannot deny, I will however attempt to present a fair and balanced view of tonight’s game for my dear readers.  But, I cannot go much further without referencing some of the funniest UB ramblings on the Internet, which come from ubfan.com and specifically Hokie200Proof.  Here’s my favorite passage: 

“Lord Gill sits in his chariot, proudly surveying all that he had accomplished.  After three months of fighting, sweat and blood, Gill has 7 heads tied to his reigns.  The heads were once the prized possession of those who were foolish enough to raise armies against the will of Gill.” 

While this is madness, it’s pretty damn funny.  Let’s break the game down, yes I put the spread in there for fun:

Bama you are underdogs…get over it!

#1 in creepy fat old guys with body paint!

I am sick of hearing Alabama fans bitch and moan about how they are not getting enough respect. While the computer polls actually have Bama ranked at 5, 4, 1, 1, 4, and 3, the human polls have Bama at #1 and Bama has been at #1 longer than any other team this season. There is your respect! So what if the Gators are all over ESPN and mainstream media. Did you ever think there might be a reason for that. If the game was actually supposed to be close the handicappers would not have chosen Florida as 10 point favorites in the point spreads. It’s nothing personal against Bama or their fans, the sports books just don’t want to lose money. If Percy Harvin was not “questionable” the spread would be even higher.  They handicappers know you beat all your rivals and went undefeated, and they know Florida lost by 1 point on a blocked PAT to Ole Miss. They also know that behind Florida and Bama, Ole Miss is the third best team in the SEC (if you think Georgia is the third best go back and watch the highlights from last weeks Georgia vs Georgia Tech game).

College Football Title Games

“Class of 1998 HERE I COME!”

Do you remember the Enterprise commercial circa 2006?  With the guy “Moose”  who is told he is “looking good” by a couple of two-bit skanks?  Well that was nothing like my high school reunion.  Yes, I did rent an Enterprise Car at a family discount since I made up that I am someone’s family member, but sadly I didn’t bring the Sentra to pick up ladies.  The Man of Cheese (TMOC) had his mom drop us off and pick us up, well because that’s how we roll.  I can’t find the damn commercial I am referring to, but here is one from a similar time frame.