NFL Week 5

Washington Bailed Me Out

While everyone is still up in arms about the Washington bail out plan, while reeling on Sunday I placed a fake last second bet on the Redskins money line, which put my personal coffers in the black for the weekend.  Whew, that was a close one. 

With regard to the actual plan, it’s pretty odd that the more I think about this plan, the more I am surprised that there is not a mobilized militia on American turf who has planned to put the debt record back to zero, a la Fight Club.  It was strange to me that people actually called their elected officials to inform them that they were against the first proposal, and I must give some kudos to the American public.  Unfortunately as TMQ points out, if this plan is not monitored closely executives will get back to the status quo as soon as they can get their money grubbing hands on your loot.

“Just One Bailout Thought: As Congress continues to debate whether they are going to hand over $700 billion of your money to the wealthy who screwed up Wall Street and the banking industry, you will be relieved to learn that top executives of the bailed-out firms temporarily will be limited to a strict $500,000 a year in tax-subsidized income. Surely you receive $500,000 a year in tax-subsidized income, don’t you? Anyway, supposing we assume the bailout is required, here is what bothers me about the plan so far: Taxpayers don’t get stock, what they get is warrants that can be exchanged for stock, and nonvoting stock to boot. This means that once media attention switches to the next crisis that everyone will claim in retrospect to have seen coming, the Wall Street rich can quietly lobby to have the warrants never called, thus keeping the entire bag of gold for themselves. Even if the warrants are called, taxpayers get no voting positions — meaning the boards of directors of the bailed-out firms can do anything they damn please with taxpayers’ money.”

Let’s Review:

1-3 is terrible, at the quarter pole, I look like the shitty nag I bet on in the Belmont, Big Brown.  The good news is that there is finally some almost reliable information to make informed decisions about due to the body of work from these teams.  With that said, I am giving you every game this week!  Every game, something never attempted before by me on this blogspace. 

Arizona looked like a bag of bird shit against the Jets.  Amazing that a QB can pass for like 800 yards and still lose so terribly, I’m looking at you Kurt Warner.  Also, there was an article written about Warner that I have seen on a few websites.  An author in the NY Times wrote about how Warner and his family play the restaurant game where they randomly select a family at the dining establishment they are at and then anonymously pick up the tab.  While this is fantastic, the author cited that this past week they were in a steakhouse. 

While Warner is his own Horatio Alger story (here’s what I mean mongoloids), how many people at upscale steakhouses need someone to pick up their tab?  Why not go to the Aldi market and buy a few people’s groceries?  That would actually make a change. 

Speaking of bags of bird shit, how about ‘dem Broncos?  I knew it was a mistake, but I couldn’t pull myself away from making that pick.  I even watched the game, and looked on in horror as if I were watching the Nick Cage movie, 8mm.  You know the feeling when watching it…..sort of mortified, but also not entertained.  Making Damon Huard look decent is a task, but the Broncos succeeded miraculously. 

Philadelphia is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle and smothered in cheezwhiz on a delicious Ambrosio roll with top round and onions and peppers………….mmmmmmmm.  Is there anyone more important to a team than Brian Westbrook? If so, let me know.  I guess I would also accept Peyton Manning as an acceptable answer.

Green Bay was without two starters in the secondary last weekend, even so Brian Griese still found a way to throw a pick 6.  The good news for the Bucsis that they may be able to mask their QB inadequacies on the strength of their once again solid defense. 

NEWS: 

The juice was not cut loose:

Whoops, SImpson was charged on 12 counts surrounding his robbery of a memorabilia agent, thirteen years to the day when he was acquitted of murder charges.  He may spend the rest of his life in prison.  I think he was screwed from the get go, and probably should have let the memorabilia dealers alone.

Orton-  NFC North’s best QB?

Gus Freotte, Matt Flynn or a banged up Aaron Rodgers, John Kitna or Orton.  Take your pick!

Cedric Benson finds work:

Can you believe that the Bengals signed Cedric Benson?  Is anyone in charge of this franchise?  Are they taking a good hard look at Lawrence Phillips too, maybe they called a Denver area jail to speak with Travis Henry’s about his availability as well.

Collier News:

Oddly enough, I have not been chastised by readers for my arrest of the week column last season when Jags lineman Richard Collier was busted for DUI.  I’m glad people have some sense about them.  News out of Jax is grim.  Collier is paralyzed after being riddled with 14 gun shot wounds and has lost his leg.  This is a terrible tragedy. 

ARREST OF THE WEEK:

Speaking of Henry,

If you haven’t heard, only a year after signing a 20 billion dollar contract in Denver, and a myriad of drug related issues, Henry was pinched in a DEA cocaine related drug bust this week.  Whoopsie.  To make matters worse, Henry threatened to “kill” an associate and his family if he did not recoup the lost money after the associates home was robbed of $40,000 worth of “product.”  Henry then decided to he was going to add filler to the cocaine either known as “drywall,” or he was going to use ACTUAL dry wall.  My god, what a terrible idea.

ARREST UPDATE:

Lawrence Phillips was finally sentencedto ten years after trying to run kids over with a car after losing to them in a pick-up football game.  I can’t make this stuff up.

Humor:

I hate Nickelback.  This is not new news.  This is funny.

Picks by Boss:

I have decided to see if I can beat my dog at picks.  Obviously I am stealing ideas from other columnists, but what the hell.  To be scientific, we have placed red dog biscuits under boxes with the names of teams on them.  Boxes were uncovered at the same time and which ever bone he went to first was his choice.

My dog seems to favor road teams this week. 

He likes:

Colts-3, Ravens+3, Chargers -7, Panthers -10, Redskins +6, Bears -3.5, Falcons +7, Seahawks +7.5, Bucs +3.5, Pats -3, Bills +1, Cowboys -17, Steelers +4, Vikings +3.5.

Picks:

Colts -3 @ Texans:

The time has come for the Colts to unveil the vaunted offense.  If they don’t do it this week, it may mean they are in some serious shit this year.

Colts 28- Texans 17

Titans -3 @ Baltimore:

I like the Ravens here because they are coming off a loss on Monday Night Football where they obliterated the Steelers healthy players.  Kerry Collins is a good QB, but style doesn’t matter when you are on your back.

Ravens 10 – Titans 7

San Diego -7 @ Miami:

I’ll fall into this Vegas trap.  Winning, going into the bye week on a positive note, time for Pennington to interview for various television jobs, while Ronnie Brown meets with coach Tony D’Amato (Any Given Sunday) and discusses how coaches have wronged him through out his life.

San Diego 24 – Miaimi 20

Atlanta +7 @ Green Bay

Aaron Rodgers or Matt Flynn or Brian Brohm or Don Majkowski perhaps.  Either way, I think Michael Turner will carve up that defense for some reason to the tune of 22 carries 145 yards and 2 TDs. 

Atlanta 24-Green Bay 21

Washington +6 @ Philadelphia

Washington is either going to lose all momentum or become extremely confident after this game.  I am going with the former.  Philadelphia showed their stripes against the Bears last weekend without Westbrook.  Westbrook says he is playing this week, but he won’t be close to 100%.  Also, did you see how the WR corps began falling apart during that game?  6 is too many points to spot the skins.

Washington 20- Eagles 17

AND NOW FOR MY

Bears -3.5 @ Detroit

Lions fans won’t care about this loss because Matt Millen is gone.  Detroit blows, and you can beleive that.

Bears 23- Lions 12

Seattle +7.5 @ NYG

Everyone says the Giants are going to blow out the Seahawks.  I feel that the Giants may win, but it’s going to be one of those terrible games that the Giants are so good at producing.  And there is no reason for it.  Seattle is suiting up the 12th man for the game at WR, they are traveling across the country and Matt Hasselbeck needs a back-e-otomy. 

Seattle 21- Giants 24 (maybe)

Tampa Bay +3.5 @ Denver

Well I can’t go against my words from earlier where I praised the Bucs defense.  If a good defense beats a good offense, then ergo its easy to pick this one.

Tampa Bay 30- Denver 24

Cincinnati +17 @ Dallas

17 fucking points?  For an NFL game?  This game reeks of the Patriots – Jets game last season, where I wasn’t the only one glued to the tv set late in the game due to the insane 24 point spread.

Dallas 30- Cincy 20

Pittsburgh +4 @ Jacksonville:

Mewelde Moore, Najeh Davenport, Darnell Stapleton, Trai Essex.  2 of these 4 will be starting against a decent Jacksonville defense.

Jax 20-Pitt 17

Minnesota +3.5 @ New Orleans

New Orleans by 10…..end of story.

NO 30- MIN 20

Wagers:

20 on all

Results:

Last week:  1-3

Overall:  3-7

W/L imaginary $$:  -40

Overall W/L imaginary $$:  880