UDOJ makes his picks

Even though I have edited and formatted the text, it all comes out like this for some reason.  Enjoy!

Behold, the Nightmare! If you, like me, spent less time than usual with your
picks this week because you were busy converting all of your money into
easily bartered objects, fear not. In this brave new world, I’ve built up my
portfolio in two main areas (this is free advice, so I hope you’re taking
notes).

First, canned goods. Everybody’s gotta eat! There’s an incredible diversity
of canned goods, so I can count on a wide customer base. Plus, cans were
designed to be stacked, which makes them easier to store while waiting for
the bottom to drop out of our financial system. I’ve invested heavily in
green vegetables because they provide the most nutrients, which will be
important when you and your family are walking across the vast dustbowl of
our once-great nation, carrying your meager possessions. Also, Chef Boyardee
products, because they’re delicious.

Second, firearms, and their cousin ammunition. One of the problems with the
transition between a hyper-advanced society powered by incredible technology
to a dystopic future-world powered by suffering (like the
Thunderdome<http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089530/>, with fewer domes) is that everyone starts acting like the animals they truly are at heart. Additionally, police protection is predicated on funding,
which doesn’t exist anymore. If you can’t protect what little you have, you
don’t really have anything at all. It would be trite and cliched to purchase
a bunch of handguns, because that’s so obvious. Yes, you can carry handguns
easily. Yes, they pack plenty of punch. But let me tell you something: in
the terror-future, everyone’s going to have handguns. You’re going to be so
used to people firing pistols at you, it will remind you of “Give her the
big C O C K she wants!!!!” spam emails you once received, before the power
grid failed. If you want to be ahead of the game, you need the AA-12
automatic shotgun <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4ebtj1jR7c>. It’s fucking
terrifying – no one’s going to get at your canned goods. On the ammunition
side, I’ve got a veritable cornucopia of caliber, round, point. I’m covered
on AA-12 drums, but my customer base is likely to be in need of more
run-of-the-mill fare.

And there you have it – a short overview of your immediate future, with
insights you’re not getting from CNN or *The Wall Street Journal*. Best of
luck in these troubling times, and always remember: when people are
frightened, they’ll invariably act with their basest instincts. These
actions tend to be the precise opposite of what is necessary to advance, or
in this case preserve, society, but people aren’t all that bright. Party
like it’s 1929!

Once again this year, my picks are being posted at my friend’s blog Love
Without Nagel, available at www.lovewithoutnagel.wordpress.com. Since I’m a
published columnist, I’m adding a new twist starting this week: score
predictions calculated by using a number of complicated formulas you
probably wouldn’t understand. The most important one is S=G, where S is the
score for a team, and G is my guess.

Lines from bodoglife.com, where I once lost $350 in totally imaginary money
on the Bears. You know, imaginary money, like what’s in your bank account
once the financial system crumbles in a few months.

Cardinals at JETS (-1)
Not an endorsement of Brett Favre. NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF BRETT FAVRE.
Final score: Jets 27, Cardinals 24.

TEXANS (+7) at Jaguars
Texans are more dangerous than getting 7 points at a weirdly weak Jags team.
Is anyone listening? Final score: Texans 21, Jaguars 26.

Vikings at Titans OVER 36
It’s only 36 points. Gus Frerotte could score 36 points in his sleep.
Actually, he can only score 36 points in his sleep, because that’s where
he’s a viking! Wait, he is a Viking. Ok, sleep is where he’s a
*talented*viking. Final score: Titans 31, Vikings 12.

CHARGERS (-8) at Raiders
The Oakland Raiders are the laughingstock of professional sports. Al Davis
is like some devious carney, with his weird wrinkles and hiring/firing
procedures. Final score: Chargers 47, Raiders 7.

Bills at Rams UNDER 43
The presumption here is that the Rams aren’t going to score any points at
all. Since I don’t think the Bills can score more than 41, this pick was
easy! Final score: Buffalo Bills 34, St. Louis Rams 7.