UDOJ is in a picks league, then sends me the transcript of his ramblings. Since that is for money and I don’t pay him to blog I guess I can’t blame his laziness. In any event, here are some words.
My friends, I have a problem. The issue at hand: women with large breasts who don’t flaunt it.
Now, I’m not talking about women with big boobs. Lots of girls have good-sized titties, and I have nothing but respect for them. But C or D cups are not exactly out of the ordinary. I’m talking about huge-ass mammaries, like pillowy flesh mounds of pleasure and mirth.
This weekend, I had the opportunity to volunteer for the local Humane Society at an event known as “Camp Rover Romp.” It was a lot of fun, and it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling to help out the community and play with doggies. I personally ran the “Water Relay,” wherein owners would walk their dogs for about 10 yards while carrying a cup full of water, along with my nicely-endowed girlfriend, Bri. I know I said I killed her because she spilled lemonade into our MacBook, but I lied. I don’t know anyone else who will have sex with me, so I had to write the computer off as a loss.
Anyway, one of the other volunteers was a young woman who we’ll call “Jessica,” because that is her name. She was stacked like Jesus playing Tetris. It was awesome, in the sense that her tits rocked, and in a more biblical sense, like some sort of flood afflicting and/or helping THE LORD’S chosen people, the Jews. She also had glasses, which gave her that sort of vulnerable accessibility I look for in a Vice Presidential candidate, even one who’s a total fucking moron who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old.
Anyway, “Jessica” had huge tracts of land. But “Jessica” didn’t bounce around like some sort of Playmate. In fact, she dressed more like my grandmother. And I can’t get down with that. “Jessica” has a responsibility to say, “Hey, I know we live in a sexist society that often judges women by their looks, and I’m going to play right into it with a shirt or dress cut so low that you can see my nipples. Or at least my areola.”
But she didn’t, so I was left to imagine. The problem with my imagination can be broken down thusly: there was a period of a few years where the only dreams I remembered each night were scintillating colors with clip art dinosaurs. It’s really hard for me to masturbate to clip art.
And so, I hope you will join with me and demand, or at least strongly suggest, or even just beg, that women with incredibly, ridiculously, deliciously massive tits bring them out to the party I call life. Thank you, and may God bless each and every one of you, the United States of America, and tits.
Lines by www.bodoglife.com.
Raiders at Bills OVER 36.5
This is not a tough pick. The Raiders are terrible, but the 9.5 points they’re getting are just scary enough not to give the points with the team that will probably end up taking the AFC East by 2 games unless Matt Cassel decides to break 200 yards passing a few times. I expect at least 50 points to be scored in this game, at least 40 of which will be scored by the Bills, and the other 10 by witty commentators. Exempli gratia: “Al Davis looks and makes decisions like a reanimated corpse!” ZING!
BENGALS (+13.5) at Giants
Sorry, I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid, Mr. Jones. The Giants look fine this year, but they’re not covering -13.5 spreads with any regularity, and certainly not against an underperforming Bengals team. However, Cincinnati has been without power like all week long, so it’s possible that the Bengals will have to forfeit because they don’t have clean uniforms. In that case, I’m counting on FIFA rules to carry me to a 13.5-2 victory.
STEELERS (+3.5) at Eagles
This is probably more of a homer pick, but I don’t think the Eagles matchup well against Pittsburgh. The defense is considerably more stout than Philly saw last week in Dallas, and the Steelers can score when there’s not a rogue tropical storm blowing through. Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook are the Real Deal, however, so I’m not all that confident here, but I like it more than the coin flip involved in picking the Rams at Seahawks game, which is like trying to pick which of two turds will float longer in a toilet bowl.
Browns at Ravens OVER 37.5
This game is more a referendum on the bettor’s feelings about incompetence. If the bettor believes that general incompetence on the offense’s part results in low scoring, the bettor should bet the under, and vice versa for the defense. However, if the bettor is like me, and finds general incompetence completely hilarious, then the bettor must bet the over, because the only thing funnier than shitty teams playing one another is an ESPN highlight reel made up entirely of turnovers for points, set to the dulcet tones of [insert commentator here]’s maximum-volume opine. For example, “sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY – the two WORST TEAMS EVER played the WORST GAME EVER and made MORE MISTAKES THAN MY MOTHER WHILE SHE CARRIED ME IN HER WOMB. It was a battle of inefficiency WON BY ANYONE NOT VIEWING THE GAME. YOUR LIVES ARE SHITTY BECAUSE YOU DON’T GET TO VOICEOVER CLIPS. DON’T MISS OUR “THE 400 MOST INFLUENTIAL ILLNESSES SUFFERED BY DIV. I-AA KICKERS DURING THE 1990S” SHOW IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE SEVENTEENTH HOUR OF SPORTSCENTER (TM). DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR?” The amusing thing about this criticism is that I actually like watching ESPN. The unamusing thing about this criticism is that it’s mostly accurate. The amusing thing about the unamusing thing about this criticism is that I would happily take a fucking runner position at ESPN, carting tape and copy from office to office, but I position myself as a scrupulous person.
Jets at CHARGERS (-8.5)
Sorry, Brett, but you suck. The Chargers are a really good team that haven’t put themselves in great positions to win this season, and are therefore 0-2. Look for them to rectify that situation this week with a relatively big win. That’s all I have to say. Oh, also, Brett Favre is the most overrated QB of our time. Fuck him.
To close, David Foster Wallace killed himself last week. I could try to pay tribute to him with a 2,500 word sentence, or make light of his death (which he probably would have appreciated), but I’d rather make the rest of you more aware of his genius. Pick up Consider the Lobster, a collection of his collection of essays, and be wowed by one of the greatest American writers. Ever.
Subscribe to RSS Feed
