UDOJ makes his picks

Even though I have edited and formatted the text, it all comes out like this for some reason.  Enjoy!

Behold, the Nightmare! If you, like me, spent less time than usual with your
picks this week because you were busy converting all of your money into
easily bartered objects, fear not. In this brave new world, I’ve built up my
portfolio in two main areas (this is free advice, so I hope you’re taking
notes).

NFL Week 4

A joke Thrillho likes to tell LWN after a good (long) weekend is that on the flight back to our cities of origin, the lack of sleep, the hungover-ness and the general exhaustion due to exessive fun in the past has led to what Thrillho likes to call “Zombie Thrillho.”  I have also adopted this nomenclature as I think it is accurate, semi-depressing that a child of my age would admit this, but once again accurate. 

Symptoms of “zombie” mode may include, but are not limited to:

1.  Lack of color in the face.

2.  Dark circles under eyes.

3.  Distinct odor of death.

4.  Greasy hair.

5.  Dirty clothes.

6.  The “sweats.”

7.  Overwhelming urge to eat brains.

Thrillho claims that when he is in zombie mode, he receives an unusual amount of popularity (people who decide that they should talk to him).  You know the chatty ones that tell you life stories on the airplanes?  Most of these conversations include stupid bullshit that no one cares about but you feel compelled to be polite.  When this happens to LWN, he simply looks at the conversing initiator, and that usually solves the problem.

Why do I mention zombies, and your new catch phrase after a good weekend?  Mainly because former NFL “zombies” have signed a document giving their brains over to a joint venture between the Boston University Medical Center and the Sports Legacy Institute.  30 total athletes have donated their brains to research after they die, 16 of them are former NFL players, most notably Ted Johnson, who has been leading the charge about post concussion syndrome in the NFL.  It’s obvious these thirty athletes have been reading my blog as I have been championing greater involvement for concussion-related issues in the NFL (it’s the third headline in case you hate reading).   

The only other notable donor is Frank Wycheck who I remember for some reason….. 

I am an organ donor so I have no problems with the kind donations.  The issue is that when will this study is completed it will be what, 2050?  By then zombies will already rule the street eating brains and the NFL will have fixed this concussion issue. 

Review:

So I went 0-3 last week.  Well excuse me.  As mentioned a week earlier, I am obviously still trying to shake off the effects of my own post concussion syndrome from my trip to Gainesville.  Who knows how long it will take until my picks get back to normal.

The Rams are terrible, I mean they must be the worst team in the NFL.  I am pretty sure the Seattle WR corps is currently made up of Steve Largent, Brian Blades and Daryl Turner and yet Seattle bum-rushed the hapless Rams. 

Denver can play offense, but their defense is terrible.  Even the Raiders can lay the points on the Broncs.  Take the over in the future.

I thought Pittsburgh was super physical.  Instead, they helped prove that the NFC is better than the AFC for the first time in a looooooooooooooooong time. 

ARREST OF THE WEEK:

Tommy Kelly

I know must of you are saying “who?”  Well dear readers, since the Raiders have become the new Redskins who throw around money on sub-par players for no reason (DeAngelo Hall, Gibril Wilson, Jamarcus Russell, Dommic Rhodes, etc) Tommy Kelly is one of the highest paid defensive tackles in the NFL.  Kelly signed a 7-year 50 million dollar deal in the off season.  I’m assuming he can afford a modest cab.

Bonus arrest news:

Headline, Ohio man looks to best Kentucky man’s arrest record.

1,000 times.  Man.  Props to a coworker who shall remain nameless for this hilarious line above.

Mail From a Fan:

Eric sent us some appreciation mail from my draft preview: 

“Well it seems as though your draft predictions were incorrect. Your mock draft was ridiculous, and you my friend are a joke. You must no know a thing about football to be making these predictions. Stick to talking about Freddie Prince Jr. in the future.”

While I am hilarious, I went back to my draft preview to see how poorly or well written it was, and I must say I am not sure what Eric is talking about.  I nailed 9 draft picks, and alluded to 4-5 others and discussed the needs of each team.  One thing you can’t account for is trades, Eric.  I am sure you know that.  Also, just because you are jealous of Freddie Prinze Jr. and refuse to admit how much you love his films, don’t project your negative energy on to me pal.  I have made peace with my admittance of Fred’s and will join his on line fan club if one exists.

Headlines:

1.  A couple weeks late but Benard Pollard is not the anti-Christ. 

Look Brady/New England fans, I’m talking to you Sports Guy.  That hit by Pollard was not dirty, the t-shirts aren’t improper, and with the economy how can you blame a dude trying to make a buck over something that happened on a football field?  Where was the outrage when Osi Umeniyora was lost for the season?  Where was the cry of reform when Mark Simoneau was lost?  Oh wait, there was none.  Get over yourselves sportswriters and New England fans.  The NFL existed before Tom Brady was a starting quarterback, and the only people really affected were the ones who drafted Brady too high in their fantasy drafts. 

*Note-  When will the New England sympathizers come in with their cries of, “we would have won the Super Bowl this year if….”

Well, shit sometimes I need to paaaaaaaaaaawwwk my caaaaaaaaawwwww faaaaaaaawwww from thaaaaaa paaaaaaaaawwwwk too.  Eat it.

2.  Rodney Harrison calls Ricky Williams “dirty”

Hmmmmmm.  I would love to use the pot-kettle remark here, but I’ll go with irony here.  Harrison is a filthy hack who had used HGH and is one of the dirtiest players in the league.  He’s upset after a loss and makes a remark about a play that happens on every snap in the NFL.  It’s obvious he is still raging.

 3.  Matt Millen is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Ann Arbor to Saginaw, people have been screaming some version of “ding dong the witch is dead.”  Matt Millen is the worst GM in the history of the National Football League.  Somehow the Ford family finally got out of this Rasputin-like grasp Millen had on them.  In any event, I’ll only mention his 31 win record in 8 years once today.  Expect more on this issue next week!

Selections:

1.  Green Bay @ Tampa Bay Pick ‘em

Pick Tampa Bay and their sometimes dominant defense.  On paper it looks like two evenly matched teams who are playing in Tampa.  If so, go with the Bucs.

Tampa 32-Green Bay 21

2.  Philadelphia -3 @ Chicago

After the Bears had a hot start, they seem to be falling off lately.  Let’s face it Kyle Orton is not great, not terrible either.  The problem is that the Bears defense is not as good as it was three years ago the last time these parties were together.  The reason is probably age.

Eagles 24- Bears 10

3.  AND NOW FOR MY

 

Denver -10 @ KC

I am taking a 10 point favorite on the road.  This game reeks of danger but have you seen the Chiefs play this season?  While Denver’s defense looks porous, QB juggernauts Tyler Thigpen and Damon Huard suck balls.  It looks like Kansas City is completely lost and they have no idea what they are doing. 

Denver 100- KC 10

4.  Arizona +1 @ NYJ

I like the Cardinals here because I am not impressed with the Jets and the Cardinals seem to have a few weapons to be sure.  Favre will heave-ho a stupid pass which will seal the victory for the Cards.   

AZ 20 – NYJ 17

Bets:

20 on all

Record

Last Week: 0-3

Overall: 2-4

W/L $$$ -60

Overall:  $$$ 920

 

Picks:

College Football Week 5

Big brother is ad savvy

I know what you are thinking.  Idaho University has had two glaring wadrobe malfunctions this season AND are one of the worst teams in all of D1A.  But before we get into that, let’s just get back on this whole bullshit FBS and FBC blasphemy.  FBS or Football Bowl Subdivision is less simple than D1A, and might say less in fact.  In the whole of the NCAA, everything is written as Division I, Division II, or Division III.  Lucky for us, the powers that be (possibly sponsors and higher ups in charge of making money) have decreed that we can no longer refer to football the same way we refer to the rest of college athletics.  I guess it is pointless to discuss the merits and detractions of this argument, but at the same token why confuse the American public that is already engrossed in your product?

UDOJ and his week three picks

UDOJ is in a picks league, then sends me the transcript of his ramblings.  Since that is for money and I don’t pay him to blog I guess I can’t blame his laziness.  In any event, here are some words.

My friends, I have a problem. The issue at hand: women with large breasts who don’t flaunt it.
Now, I’m not talking about women with big boobs. Lots of girls have good-sized titties, and I have nothing but respect for them. But C or D cups are not exactly out of the ordinary. I’m talking about huge-ass mammaries, like pillowy flesh mounds of pleasure and mirth.

Week 3 Picks

Tennesee -5.5

Rams +10

Broncos -6

Pittsburgh +3.5

20 on each

College Football Week 4

Playing poker near Vince Carter is fun.

So this week LWN got the chance to play some cards with, well actually near Vince Carter and let me tell you it was stunning.  It’s always a bit frightening when an NBA player is sitting at a table near you and keeps glancing at you because of your blogging popularity…..Or maybe he was just looking at the Colorado- West Virginia tilt on the big screen behind me.  In any event, it’s always a blast playing at the Daytona Kennel Club because everyone chases cards and since it is real life and not “simulators” it can work out in your favor if you have any sense about you.

DirecTV Sunday Ticket

LWN and I decided to purchase the DirecTV Sunday Ticket package this year.   Despite our horrific customer service experience when we first moved, I’m impressed.  At least the giant satelite protruding from our garage is doing something worthwhile.  It is a great way to keep LWN home watching the games and not out spending $$$ at Moe & Johnny’s, or getting pushed off barstools by CRAZY British fans.

YEAH!!! Tons of games all at once.  Many times on Sunday we had all eight games on at once.  Some girls might complain that this is way too much football.  Not me.  I may not be interested in each game, but I will watch them.  LWN is excited to program in his fantasy players and keep track of them through the remote.

So this Sunday I will bust out my Harrison jersey and proudly watch our Sunday Ticket.

College Football Week 3

My picks have been off lately and I am not sure why.  I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with the head trauma that I have gotten over so it must be this new job which forces me to work instead of waste my days writing blog posts and analyzing each individual piece of each individual game.  In any event, I have spent my nights this week on the phone and analyzing statistical data which may, just may lead me to a .500 week in the third one of the young season.  But first some political talk.

Lance Armstrong Comeback

In an online Vanity Fair article published this morning Lance Armstrong confirmed that he will, “one hundred percent”, ride the 2009 Tour de France and attempt to win.  Armstrong will (supposedly) ride for his former team manager Johan Bruyneel on Bruyneel’s new team (Astana) in the 2009 Tour de France and four other races.  Surprisingly, Armstrong waited until the start of football season to start these make these claims.  The one thing to be learned from the Brett Favre drama is late spring/early summer is the best time for comeback shenanigans. And seriously Lance, ‘Vanity Fair’?!  Could your agent not get in touch with ‘Cosmo’  or ‘Out and Proud’?  Even if you have slept with Sandra Bullock, Sheryl Crow, Tory Burch, Ashley Olson, and Kate Hudson, mentioning your comeback to Vanity Fair first is not going to help dispel those rumors about you and Matthew McConaughey.  But on a more important note, do you really want to comeback Lance?  Have you realized yet that your favorite pre-race supplement, illegal performance enhancing EPO, is being recalled by the drug’s manufacturers. Do you want more attention with a third book?  You already sold millions of copies of two books about winning races and leaving your wife who stood by you during cancer and gave your children for flings with hot celebrities.  Not to mention who knows if the French will even let you back into the tour?  The Astana team you will ride for (supposedly) was not even invited to the tour this year, and they had both the best team in the world and the defending Tour de France champion on the team. 

Why comeback Lance?  What else do you have to prove?  I knew before you won the Tour de France that the French were terrible athletes.  I knew you could have easily beaten Spaniard Samuel “Dirty” Sanchez for the gold medal in Olympic road cycling.  I know you have 7 Tour de France victories, while most professional cyclists would give their left testicle (no offense) for a single Tour de France stage win.  I know your running career didn’t go out as planned when you finished your first marathon, the 2006 ING New York City Marathon, in a terrible 856^th place and over 34 minutes behind the first place woman. 

I don’t know why you think you need to come back.  Did that little Olsen twin call you fat?  Are you jealous after seeing Brett Favre’s drama on ESPN 23.5 hours a day for 2 months?  The time has come to hang up your spandex Lance.  Remember towards the end of your career when all you wanted to do was retire?  You said, “I figured the faster I pedal, the faster I retire.”  And after your final tour you stated, “I am happy with the way my career went and I am happy with the way it ended.”  Leave it that way Lance.  Don’t get me wrong, I was there in person in France in the mountain stages running along side you and your team for your seventh tour victory, but those times have past.  Remain a legend, don’t ruin your legacy by coming back when you have nothing to gain and everything to lose.       

 

 

 

Kharma is a bitch…

So, am I REALLY supposed to feel bad for Tom Brady and the Patriots?  The poor guy tore his ACL and MCL in Sunday’s opener.  Its a damn shame!  I hope Matt Cassel has been keeping up with the opposing team’s sideline films.  All that time spent cheating, and this is what the Patriots get?  It just doesn’t seem fair!  Hey Belichick, please keep us in suspense with your injury report this week.

Does this mean that Brady has to spend more time with his bastard children, or supermodel girlfriend?

A JetBlue playa

Poor fucking guy, its almost as big a travesty as Diddy having to fly commercial.

Now I’m not one for kicking someone while they are down.  In fact, I am usually the one that gets kicked while down (or at least hit with belts while down).

Giddy-Up!

Brady is the poster-child for the evil empire.  He wears makeup and fedoras to his post game conferences.  He dresses like a gay cowboy in magazines.  He always has his sideways crooked smirk.

Do I sound bitter?  Well fuck you… I am a Bills fan (perhaps the new team to beat in the AFC East? …yeah Bill Cower).  I am sick of being in the Patriots division, and getting their leftovers (I’m looking at you Bledsoe and Lawyer).

Injuries happen every week in the NFL.  I am WAY more inclined to feel bad for your average run of the mill NFL player who is constantly fighting for playing time, than the evil empire’s poster-child with a supermodel waiting for him at home and millions in endorsements from Gay Cowboy Weekly.  Lets hope this brings the whole empire crumbling down, and the Buffalo Bills rise from the ashes.

Go Bills!!!