LWN Picks Conference Championship Games

“I Have A Secret”

No, this is not some sort of fetish issue I have. This is the downward dog yoga position that I found myself in on Tuesday night. You see LWN is not the most flexible man on the planet. He cannot touch his toes when stretching. This coupled with the muscle/fat bulk he has put on in the past few months makes stretching extra annoying.

Grlfrnd likes yoga and pilates. So she asked if I wanted to attend a yoga class on Tuesday night. I agreed for the reason stated above. I also wanted to see what all the hubbub was about these new age Eastern exercise routines. Additionally, some famous drugged up celebs and musicians use yoga to overcome their addictions. I was curious to see if there was any truth to that as well.

Finally, cost was not prohibitive. You see my sprawling 21st century gym, LA Fitness offers free classes in yoga, pilates, cycling, boxing, step aerobics, belly dancing, strip tease, etc. Since I had never taken advantage of these I figured it was worth a shot.

LWN’s Yoga Review

1. There was a surprising number of men in this class. Many more than I anticipated.
2. There was a surprising lack of hot women in the class. So maybe the chubby chasers should give it a chance.
3. The instructor was borderline insane as far as I can tell. His name escapes me, but he reminded me of a former meat-head who probably used to bully people in his twenties, then mellowed when he found his “inner peace.”
4. Instructor moved way too fast. Especially for someone like me who was trying to just keep my head up and pay attention to the moves. Seriously, they should laminate the mats with the moves in bold so you can keep up. He would bark out “Downward dog, to plank, slide into up dog, back to plank for 5……4……3….2….1, NOW HOP INTO WARRIOR ONE! Now slowly extend into swan, remember to breathe AND BACK TO UP DOG!” I felt like a drunk trying to play Dance, Dance Revolution at the “disenfranchised youth” difficulty level.
5. I have some new names for some moves. Most of them crushed my huge testicles. “Ball Cruncher I“- using your arm to brace yourself on your side with your other arm in the air. “Neck Sprain“- Anytime you are in an awkward pose trying to look up in the air. “Sit on testies“- When they feel like you should jump into a split. “Gasping for air“- putting one leg WAY too far in front of you, while being instructed to balance. This cut off my airway for some reason. “Wrenching of neck and back“- This was a spinal twist, men may usually do this to crack their backs.
6. NAMASTE!- What the hell does this mean? Don’t they say this on Lost? According to wiki, Namaste means- “Taken literally, it means “I bow to you”. The word is derived from Sanskrit(namas): to bow, obeisance, reverential salutation, and (te): to you.” Huh? What? I bow to no man, unless he has icy cold, or warm domestic beer, or can get me NFC Championship tickets.

I will say this about yoga. It was okay minus the ball pain I suffered. I assume this is due to my lack of flexibility. Also, I found that when I was not choking myself out trying to do the “advanced” poses it was quite relaxing. I did break a sweat, but my muscles did not ache. Usually I know I had a good workout if my body feels like I had been in a car accident post work out. While some (Kaplan 572) called me “gay” for going to yoga, I can see its merits.

*Side Note- “Gay” in this particular sense means, “not cool.” So don’t get all up in my shit activists. If you have a problem with this, then blame the media. This defense works on Law and Order all the time.

*Side Note 2- Can you imagine what kind of rage all the gay Colt Brennan lovers are feeling for Kaplan 572 now?

LET’S REVIEW

Packers – Seahawks

It snows sometimes in the Pacific Northwest right? According to my sources, the average temperature in Seattle in January is around 40 degrees, not quite freezing, but Seattlers, Seattlites or whatever they are called are not immune from bad weather. Sure the climate is classified as Marine West Coast, but it snows there from time to time. Why did it look like the Seattle team was a bunch of South American refugees who were recruited to play a game in adverse conditions?

Where did the pass rush go? Why could younger, more athletic players not get to Old Man Favre? Why did Favre have “electric stuff,” while the Seattle Defense suffered a power outage? Why did Mike Holmgren give up the game, punting a number of times when the game was on the line?

Maybe Sean Alexander is done. Perhaps the Seattle D decided that “sort of covering” the wide outs was better than bringing pressure. Who knows. I am still not riding the Green Bay suck off express.

Jacksonville – New England

Well the Pats keep ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’ (a shout out to Limp Bizkit). Jacksonville played well in spurts, but rumors out of Jax-vegas say that David Garrard is going to get somewhere between Matt Schuab (6 years $48 million) and Tony Romo (6 years $67.4 million) money. Great googly-moogly that’s a lot of wampum. But we will get back to that in a few minutes.

Jacksonville check list

• Strong D- Check
• QB who doesn’t make mistakes (3 INTS in regular season)- Check
• Power running game- Check
• WRs capable of making big plays- Check
• Reliable WRs- Whoops
• Reliable O-line- Whoops

The sad part is Jacksonville was in this game for a while. They took shots, and made it count. Mark my words, the New England D is not as strong as we think they are. They just pick their spots well. Each time Garrard got hit it was because for some reason the Jags did not pick up the blitz and they did not have a “hot route” called (well that’s how it looked anyway).

The New England offense looks like a finely tuned Thoroughbred with a world class jockey on board. Just like a great horse they move into a fantastic position on the turn and let loose on the home stretch. Emperor Bellichick, seen below knows that his defense is not as strong as advertised so he hides his weakness. The main strength is Asante Samuel. Don’t throw an out route near that cat and you are okay.

Too many times, the Pats opponents tighten up playing not to get blown out. Just let loose and air it out. New England will go for it on 4th and anything because they NEED to keep the O on the field to mask the vulnerability of the D.

San Diego – Indianapolis

When you are at home, when weather is not an issue, when the refs are on your side, YOU MUST BE ABLE TO PUT THE GAME AWAY AGAINST BILLY VOLEK, MICHAEL TURNER AND VINCENT JACKSON.

They Colts fail where most NFL teams succeed. Needing only intermediate gains in the 4th quarter to move the chains the Colts went for the big play multiple times. Any other team would simply spread the defense out, have a wide out run at the safety taking him out of the play, and have the TE or another pass catcher “find an open spot” on the field. For whatever reason, the Colts tried to go deep with five minutes and change left on the clock. Terrible mismanagement of the game, terrible.

Giants – Cowboys

This has been chronicled here. Of course I chose the Cowboys. Talent against nobodies. Maybe I am stupid, but how were the Giants able to keep the Cowboys out of the end zone late in the game after giving them great field position? Marion Barber slashed the Giants early, Jason Witten is absurdly reliable, and TO had a TD early on.

Also, the Jints D was crazy gassed and the injury bug continued spewing venom. Still, somehow none of this mattered as Tony Romo went Phill “Cry Me A” Rivers crazy. The G-men even assisted the Cowboys with multiple 3-and-outs. The Romo Canton bust is officially on hold.

HEADLINES

1. QB Discussion- Why teams continue to overpay for quarterbacks is beyond me. Here is a linkof some photos of the NFL’s most dominant QB. He strikes fear in your heart, doesn’t he. If I were an NFL exec, I would never over pay a QB based on “perceived worth” or media pressure. Results must be tabulated over time, one good season does not entitle you to a huge pay raise. Jacksonville has attendance problems. Shelling out a ton of do-ray-me to Garrard does not solve these woes. Plus, I give Garrard a 25% chance that he will be a Jag at the end of the 5 or 6 year deal he is going to eventually sign. Signing offensive lineman will not “make a splash,” but it will help keep your QB upright. That is the smart play dear readers.

2. This is a problem…..Why? “PORTAGE, Wis. — Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn’t wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team’s playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him.

Mathew Kowald was cited for disorderly conduct in connection with the incident with his son at their home in Pardeeville, Lt. Wayne Smith of the Columbia County Sheriff’s Department said. Pardeeville is about 30 miles north of Madison” (espn.com).

You better damn well believe I would use this maneuver if I had to. Kids are so annoying these days. Maybe he can describe his despair on his face-book page.

3. Cowboys Exploit Media, Place Blame For Loss On Romo’s Thumb-

Oh my, this certainly is low. Reports say the some inferior player on the Giants injured Romo’s thumb when he hit him on the second play of the game. Terry Bradshaw has not contacted the Dallas media outlets with his response yet.

PICKS

New York Giants +7 @ Green Bay

What a long, strange road trips its been for the Giants this year. They are hurt, tired, and travel just south of Santa Claus’ evil lair this weekend. It is going to be cooooold. The suckers out there want you to think that the cold will disrupt the NYG offense. What they don’t know is that cold is not a factor. Wind IS. The forecast calls for only 6mph winds. This will hardly disrupt any attempt to throw the ball. Also, get a clue it is 2008. The players aren’t running around in loin cloths. Every heat mechanism known to man will be in use on the sidelines.

I am going to go out on a limb here. Looking at Favre’s stats, one can infer that his thumb/hand injury against Dallas is still nagging him.

Pre Dallas Game-  68.84 completion %, averaged .74INTs per game, 93.52 QB rating

Post Dallas Game (regular season)-  59.82 completion%, 1.4INTs per game, 77.8 QB rating.

So you think Ryan Grant will win it for the Pack?  Maybe, but maybe not.  Grant is a former Giant practice squader, so who knows him better than the Giants?  This has not been talked about but it should be a key to the Giants game plan.

What COULD be a problem for the Giants is the Green Bay secondary.  Al Harris, Charles Woodson and Atari Bigby cover receivers as good as anyone in the league.  This will probably lead to the Giants leaning on the running game.  New York has done a good job mixing up Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw.  Jacobs pounds early, the opposing defense expects similar results from Bradshaw, then boom he is at the next level.

I am confident that if the Giants will cover the spread in Green Bay.  There is too much on the line not to.  Also, I know the NFL and its sponsors want to see Green Bay – New England.  This may be the juice the G-men need.  Favre has to be due for a crappy game right?

I’ll use the immortal words from Eddie Murphy’s Prince Akeem character in Coming to America for this prediction.

Prince Akeem: Sir, I was wondering, did you catch the professional football contest on television last night?
Cleo McDowell: No, I didn’t.
Prince Akeem: Oh, it was a most amazing game. The Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. The Giants triumphed by kicking a pigskin ball through a big “H”. A most ripping victory.
Cleo McDowell: Son… I’m just going to tell you this one time. If you want to keep working here, stay off the drugs.

New York 23-  Green Bay 21

                                                                                                                                                             

San Diego +14 @ New England

They say a sucker is born every minute.  Well I am the sucker here.  Give me the 14, I will take it and smile. 

Newsflash-

1. New England beats San Diego last year in the playoffs, Pats players stomp at mid field.
2. New England beats San Diego week 2.  LT continues to become angered.
3. New England hosts San Diego AFC Championship game-  ?

Who cares about the injuries?  Not me.  Take the Bolts and the points.  Injuries be damned.

San Diego 30 – New England 34

Namaste.

                                                                                                                                                         

Imaginary Wagers

100 on the G-men and Chargers   

Results

Last Week 2-2

Overall 37-28

W/L Imaginary $- +25

Overall W/L Imaginary $-  +940