LWN picks Divisional Weekend

“A Story About Single Serving Friends”

We’ve all seen Fight Club. A single serving friend is someone you meet once during travel and never see again. My most recent trip to Iowa had a number of noteworthy single serving pals.

But let me back up. I would like to make it clear that I do not enjoy Iowa. I even sent a text message to my boss at one point saying, “Is this heaven (Field of Dreams reference)? No, its a vast wasteland of fertile ground.” There is not all that much to Iowa, its not the worst place I have ever seen but it still sucks. Here is why. You know sometimes I reference the University of Tennessee to say that the problem with UT- Knoxville is that two of the dumbest people I have ever met went to that school. Well, one of the dumbest, most unintentionally annoying, arrogant people I have ever met is from the great state of Iowa. We will call him “E.”

E played the “I am just a simple farm boy from Iowa” card while dressing in expensive designer clothes. E made a salary, a decent one for a first year employee, but then had his parents pay his bills. E attempted to dump his work off on other people. E was a bad judge of character who also had a penchant for thinking 9-5 was playtime. E is the reason I hate Iowa. E was dumb the way you think of elephant dump as big.

Now fast forward to my trip. My trip out was relatively uneventful minus the lack of pilot in Detroit. We boarded, sat there for 30 minutes, then deplaned because there was no pilot. Of course no explanation was given because the airlines don’t like giving out free shit these days. The passengers were then told not to leave the gate area, because if a pilot showed they would board and leave without us. I became a prisoner of gate C18.

My work tasks were simple, the people were nice, and the Pita Pit was a suitable dinner location. Then Friday happened.

You all know I am a great traveler. I show up on time, chat up the gate attendants, fly first class due to my official baller status on NWA, and generally enjoy airports. On Friday I met some interesting single serving friends. The first was Carol. Carol was an old lady with a huge ass and a loud mouth. Her phone conversation rang through gates C1 and C2. She talked about her stupid daughter’s legal woes, her choice for President (McCain), and what time she would arrive in Flint.

Then over the loud speaker, “Ladies and Gentlemen I need a passenger to give up their seat as we are…….” I was at the counter before she was done talking, because I know that this means I will suffer in the Iowa airport but I will also be getting a $300 voucher. So then what happens? Carol waddles her old ass up to the counter and budges me in line.

Tara, the friendly NWA agent with “a Strahan” told Carol I was there first and to move her ugly old ass out of the way. *Side Note- “A Strahan” is someone with a wild gap in their front teeth. After receiving my voucher and food vouchers I was off to the bar to kill three hours before my next flight.

This is where I met Dolly, the friendly bar wench who spoke broken English. I explained my woes to Dolly and convinced her to be creative with the bill so that I could use my food vouchers on beer and a meal instead of just a meal.

At the bar I had a pint or two, watched SportsCenter 3 times and met two more characters.

1. Cary, a friendly Texas man who was in Iowa to take a sample snapshot of a rural Iowa town, then convince doctors to move there. He told me of his failures in Iowa over his 4 or 5 Hefeweizens. Cary was well dressed in a power suit, slightly balding, and a Romo fan. He was a nice guy besides his Cowboy love.
2. Cindy, a lifelong Iowa resident who looked like the world passed her by. She was slightly jaded, drank fast, and painted Iowa as a place where hope fades quickly. In her younger days I bet she ran with a wild crowd. To regain her sense of self-worth I think she goes to the male nudies on business trips so she can treat men like objects. She was flirting with Cary, Cary the consummate business man, was flirting back but I think it was because he was trying to gain insight and find a way to place a doctor in this rural Iowa town. Cindy was WAY out of Cary’s league by the way.  Cary was like google stock, Cindy was like pets.com stock.

When my bar trip was completed, I headed back to my gate to board the plane. Upon boarding I met my most interesting single serving friend in some time. Her name was Lynn. Lynn is a journalist for The Hartford Courant. She was in Iowa to learn about their ethanol plants because Connecticut is considering putting in a plant in their rural boundaries.

We made small talk until the flight attendant came by to ask about drink orders. Being Friday and all, I decided that a Jack Daniels was a good call. Of course I only had twenties, so the flight attendant gave me two in exchange for a ten spot. That’s when things got interesting.

Lynn- “You know drinking on a plane may cause you to get an embolism.”

LWN- Thinking to himself“Sounds like a bet to me.” In actuality, I probably said something groundbreaking like “Oh, really.”

For the duration of the flight we talked about journalism, my work, my dog, her manfriend, California, Indiana, grlfrnd, etc. It was a good conversation, but I presume Lynn will not enjoy my rambling blog because it is about sports, and as my mother points out my grammar is bad.

The most interesting discussion was about work, specifically my work. Let me explain something to you dear readers.

1. Yes, I have a desire to work in sports.
2. No, I do not want to work for ESPN. Not yet at least. I have no interest in putting myself through the employment ringer again. ESPN pays their entry level people poorly and I presume the bosses sit over your desk like ruthless task masters attempting to suck the life force out of your body. They, like other huge companies probably have the bosses sit around in staff meetings discussing new ways to break employees down like dogs.
3. My goal is to be a “somebody” in the world of sports, but I assume that this can be accomplished by a number of methods. I will go with the path of least resistance meaning the one where my soul remains in tact. I will not sell out to the “Mouse Corporation” and its subsidiaries until it is on my own terms.
4. I am immature. I am a 14 year old trapped in a 27 year old’s body. You see 14 year olds are interested in acting immature, doing what they want when they want, watching low-brow television programming, etc. 14 year olds don’t care about career paths, they care about having the coolest bike on the block, they care about their favorite sports teams, they care about their ipods.

Lynn was a fun single serving friend. I think my views on life may have been confusing to her, but she never let on that I was being obnoxious. So with that in mind, I give a whole-hearted “must read” suggestion to read her work found here. If you enjoy articles about Connecticut school board meetings, mysterious sunken boats, and monies approved for expensive boilers, then you are in for a treat!

I bid my Iowa trip a fond farewell. I will take my flight voucher and run for the hills! Kudos to Lynn, Cary, Carol, Tara, Dolly and Cindy for making it a worthwhile Friday.

LET’S REVIEW

Last week was a good one for LWN. His genius shone like a bright light. The 3-1 record would have been 4-0, but Bironas missed a relatively short Field Goal.

Giants - Buccaneers

What is the best way for me to put this? Hmmmmmm……FUCK TROY AIKMAN AND JOE BUCK. Their constant lambasting of Eli Manning was at post season levels. It was so bad even Peter King referenced it. King must be an LWN reader. My favorite quote of the game comes from Buck in the first quarter.- “If the Giants can’t run the ball, they CAN’T win.” Care to eat some crow dickface?

Even at the end of the game Aikman and Buck were giving the Giants and Eli Manning backhanded compliments. The Buck/Aikman team remains to call the game in the most unprofessional manner I have ever seen. Lucky for all of us, Aikman/Buck are calling the Cowboys-Giants game Sunday. I don’t know if I should watch the game in mute or stab my ears with a pencil.

Titans - Chargers

Was there a more uninteresting game this past weekend? Norv Turner tried to lose the game, but Vince Young and the Titans defense wouldn’t let him. Kudos to the refs for whistling Albert Haynesworth for a 15 yarder for almost no reason.

Steelers - Jaguars

A thrill ride a minute. Some may question Mike Tomlin’s two point calls, but its the playoffs, you gotta make some gutsy calls, especially if you look like Omar Epps. I nearly defecated in my pantalones when Garard took off on the 4th down run coming very close to scoring a TD which would have lost the game for me.

Seahawks - Redskins

If you thought the ‘Skins would win this game, I have a mint condition 1996 Subaru I would like to sell you. Seattle’s offense was not particularly good, but Todd Collins and the Redskins offense were decidedly worse.

PICKS

Seattle +7.5 @ Green Bay

Who is the key to this game? Patrick Kearney. If you don’t think Old Man Favre is going to sling the rock, then you don’t know much about the foosball. Favre has an ego like every other player. He wants to win, and he wants to win the game himself. If Kearney can get pressure on the QB, then he will force Favre into a bevy of bad throws.

My projected stat line for Favre- 31-52/ 285 yards/ 2TD/ 3INT

Take the Seahags and the points. Matt Hasselbeck wants the ball so he can score!

Seattle 28- Green Bay 24

Jacksonville +13 @ New England

The Jags have a shot in this one. They are a warm weather team build for the cold. They play with enthusiasm, and most notably have a three-headed running attack. Look for Garard to get out of the pocket and take off with the ball. Usually teams playing New England beat themselves, Jacksonville won’t do that.

New England’s offense has the properties of a chameleon. They are shape-shifters with horns. They can run, and they can throw. I presume Brady will continue to dink and dunk his way down the field, trying to lull Jacksonville to sleep before connecting on the long bomb to Randall Moss. The Jags need to prove that they can cover Moss one-on-one or the defense will be on the field all day. I recommend a bend but don’t break defense. The Pats are going to get their points, your goal is to make it three each time down the field.

If the game is within 10 points in the 4th quarter, the Jags have a shot. *Note to Garard- Challenge the New England secondary. Get favorable match-ups like old linebackers (Bruschi, Seau) on young running backs (Maurice “Pocket Hercules” Jones-Drew). Also, send the wideouts on long post patterns and challenge Rodney Harrison. Don’t throw “out” routes toward Asante Samuel unless you want to give the Pats a boatload of points.

Jags cover, but their season ends.

Jacksonville 24- New England 35

New York Giants +7.5 @ Dallas

Let me be clear. I would rather watch Dr. Dollittle 3 than listen to Aikman and Buck call them game. I am probably going to create some sort of game to find out how many times BAikman (my new name for the shitty tandem) praise the Cowboys and heap verbal diarrhea on the G-men. Stay tuned for the results.

The game is simple. The Cowboys win, but only because Romo is hacky QB. He is an elusive, jet-setter playboy who puts his needs in front of the team. With that said the ‘Boys O will find success against the Giants D because of Marion Barber and Jason Witten. It is hard to beat a team 3 times in one year, but the Pokes do it.

*Side note- This writer can’t wait for the risque pics of Romo and BAikman to surface from the Atlantis Resort and Casino. Count on it!

Giants 24-Cowboys 35

San Diego +9.5 @ Indianapolis

This is a tough game to call. It can go either way. I think the Colts will win, but will they cover? I say no they won’t cover.  I say they give LT and Ryan Leaf-Rivers fits. The mistakes made by the Titans defense will not be replicated by the Colts. The only way the Chargers make it a game is if they freeze the Colts defenders with play action. You see the Indy D is prone to swarm the ball carrier. If you can slow them down and get the ball to your No-Name Wide Outs then it will be closer than anticipated.

I like the Colts. Look for Dallas Clark to have a big day along with Bob “I Swear I Don’t Take ‘Roids” Sanders. Colts win but don’t cover because Peyton Manning will manage the final quarter.

Colts 38 - Chargers 35

Imaginary Wagers

200 on the Jags and Hawks

50 on the Cowboys

75 on the Bolts

Results

Last Week 3-1

Overall 35-26

W/L imaginary $- +200

Overall W/L imaginary $- +915

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