Breaking Down the Heisman Show

It started with a crappy montage. It ended with Colt Brennan probably wondering why he flew 18 hours so that Chris Fowler could open up his past on live television. In between, well you can read that for yourself below!

LWN and blog author The Ultimate Decider of Justice (UDOJ) love montages at the opening of sports shows. UDOJ has become quite a source on montages and contends nothing can hold a candle to the opening scenes of CBS’ coverage of The Masters golf tournament.

These twenty-four seconds are much better than this-

Sadly, I was unable to find video of the intro with Donald Sutherland. This brings me to an interesting point. Why was Donald Sutherland chosen to do the voice over for this presentation?

Johann von Wolfhaus from “Beerfest” introducing Tim Tebow? Major General Donald McClintock from “Outbreak” describing Darren McFadden? Professor Dave Jennings from “Animal House” admitting Chase Daniel’s Heisman worthiness? Kiefer Sutherland’s dad outlining Colt Brennan’s statistics? Was Dominic Chianese from “The Sopranos” too busy? Was Mickey Rooney already booked?

Sutherland’s voice sounded way too old and creepy for this job. He’s like the guy I didn’t want to deliver newspapers to as a kid because his cocoa smelled like Georgia Home Boy.

After the commercial break, we were introduced to Mrs. Donahue, the chair of the Heisman Trust. She briefly outlined the role of the trust, looked at the teleprompter way too much and looked like she got into her teenage daughter’s make -up stash. It was as if an old, shriveled up Paris Hilton was introducing the award.

Next we were introduced to the candidates while they were in the green room, forcing smiles and playing X-box 360. While I am all about video games, they kept referring to the candidates as “men,” but in the green room we see Chase Daniel hooting and hollering against Colt Brennan while playing NCAA College Football ‘07. McFadden sat off to the side not playing. Either he was waiting to play Halo 3, or he was on the phone with an agent.

Through out the broadcast, Fowler and Herbstreit kept calling Heisman winners a “fraternity.” I am fine with this except fraternity is usually used in a negative connotation in the world we live in. Fair or not that is the perception by mainstream media. The next time on game day when Fowler says something like “The LSU frat boys are here early and drinking,” I may call him out on his bullshit. You can’t have it both ways Chris. Am I to believe these old timers get together with the new winner and there is a big hazing session afterward? Come on Chris.

Note-”Fraternity, elite Fraternity, and special fraternity” were all terms used to describe Heisman winners. After they showed clips of all the candidates, praise was heaped on all the contenders.

Chase Daniel- A video highlight reel was shown including Daniel parachuting. When interviewed about his fearlessness, Coach Gary Pinkel was alerted to the fact Daniel jumped out of a plane in the off-season. He was not aware of this. Pinkel said “I don’t know that he [Daniel] has been skydiving since he has been here, I might have to hurt him.“

They also highlighted Daniel getting a concussion during the Illinois game, missing one play, and then coming back in. A Mizzou teammate said, “After the game he kept asking me what happened.” Nice move Mizzou coaches, nice move. With the entire medical world coming down on the NCAA and the NFL for their mistreatment of concussions, it’s good to see that to be one of the best in the land you need to end up like Muhammad Ali.

*Side note- Is there any other player besides Ben Roethlisberger who looks like an athlete in some pictures, and a drunken overweight slob than Chase Daniel?

Tim Tebow- Tebow’s story was chronicled in great detail. The missionary work, the home schooling, his faith in the lord, his work ethic, his freakish build all mentioned. What I found most interesting though were the shots of his mother. Mrs. Tebow looked like a skeleton pumped full of formaldehyde. Did she bathe in iodine before the ceremony?

*Side Note- Tebow’s mother was ill with some Filipino ailment when preggers with Tim. Apparently the Ministry of Health or whatever they are called in the Pacific Island Chain suggested she abort the baby. The right to lifers must have gone insane with joy over this feature since Tebow is now a freakish super human. It is high comedy when you suggest abortion to missionaries.

Then Urban Meyer continued the Tebow praise party. Two things about Meyer-

1. I am beginning to believe that Meyer created Tebow in his basement out of spare football player parts, since it’s highly unlikely he and his mother would have survived birth.

2. I cannot believe anything Meyer says when he is trying to engage in casual conversation. He always seems uneasy in these settings. I only buy his words when he is stern/borderline angry. He reminds me of an abusive alcoholic father who puts on a nice face in public to hide his transgressions behind closed doors.

Darren McFadden- They interviewed Run DMC’s former middle school teacher. Apparently McFadden attended the ” Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.”

Also, they brought in Houston Nutt to talk about his credentials. Nutt has some nerve showing up says LWN. After all he jumped ship immediately after the LSU game.

Colt Brennan- The Brennan praise was by far the funniest. His credentials were delivered by Fowler who brought up his past talking about the “incident” at Colorado which led to jail time! Then the camera panned to the Brennan family, who looked thrilled to be there.

*Side note- What were they thinking bringing in all those high school females? Don’t they know Colt might have gotten drunk and asked them “to play,” while exposing his unit? It would have been history if Brennan won. We could then say, Colt Brennan: The ONLY person to win the Heisman after being accused of sexual assault and serving jail time for the crime!

Next we got to meet the former Heisman winners on stage. Some thoughts and observations-

1. Gino Torretta looks awful. Is he waiting for an organ transplant?

2. No one told Archie Griffin that the preferred attire for the event was “business,” not wear a red t-shirt with a coat. Also, thanks for taking pictures of the back of Tebow’s head during the trophy presentation. Those are going to be keepers.

3. Billy Sims thanks for telling everyone where you went to school.

4. A Danny Wuerffell sighting!

5. Mike Rozier dresses like a pimp. Nice fedora and dangly earrings.

6. Rashaan Salaam IS still alive!

7. Eric Crouch and Jason White showed up because they heard there was free food.

Finally there was the presentation of the most coveted award in “amateur” sports. Oddly enough, some accounting firm is responsible for tabulating the votes. I know this is a stab at publicity and sponsorship dollars, but maybe Crouch and White could use the extra money…. just a suggestion.

And the award goes to……………….Tim Tebow.

For the record, here is a breakdown of Tebow’s speech.

Said “Thanks” or “Thank you” 24 times

Mentioned his “Lord and Savior” 3 times

Mentioned “University Florida” 4 times

Mentioned “Coaches” 5 times

Mentioned “Parents” and “Family” 3 times

Mentioned “fans” 2 times

Mentioned “the team” 3 times

All of this in a span of 3:04 by my count. Darren McFadden looked on in anger wondering what he needed to do to win. There you have it folks. The 2007 Heisman show!