NFL Week 14

“I don’t want to have sex with cars.”

If you have been watching commercials lately, and I bet you have then it is possible you are aware of two new ad campaigns. One is from Cadillac, the other Volkswagen. What is the Caddy slogan, something like “When you turn on your car it should return the favor.” Volkswagen’s is “When you get into your car, it should get into you.”

What the fuck? You know these crafty ad workers know that “sex sells,” it’s obvious that Cadillac is trying to sell sex with their brand. They even have that actress from “Grey’s Anatomy” in the commercial. She looks pretty good, even if her spin-off have crashed and burned. Ladies, did her spin off crash and burn?

The fools thought they were slick, the same way I thought I was slick when I wrote the headline “The Ire of the Tiger….(s) Fans.” My issue is this. They want you to see these cars as sexy, cool, hip, young, fast, etc. When I think of Caddies, I think of the old, old, old people in this neighborhood that I work in. They all drive Caddies and drive them slowly. Slowly around the streets, slowly around turns, slowly through intersections. Think about when you are out and about. How many times do you see a Caddy parked in handicapped spaces at your local grocer? 95% of the time probably. The other 5% are the only people who still own Chevrolet Celebrity station wagons. So these cars are the opposite of hip and cool. But what about sexy?

The thought of sex with old people is pretty disgusting. Actually, just the thought of old people having sex in general is stomach upsetting. In fact, old people with old veins and liver spots adorning their bodies rolling around together is about the most putrid thing I can think about.

How about Volkswagen? What about their catchy slogan. I will give this German company some credit. They are in my mind more hip that Cadillac. But I don’t want my car “to get into me,” the same way I don’t want to stick my dick in a tailpipe (when you get into your car). Perhaps I am more immature than the average twenty-seven year old, but maybe you were thinking the same thing too!

So there you have it. I don’t want a car made for a person with old balls the same way I don’t want to spend the money on a Nazi sled. I don’t find Volkswagen’s particularly “cool” anyway. I think they are overpriced. You know what LWN wants out of his 1996 Subaru Impreza? He wants it to start. That’s all. Speaking of cars, here is a great clip. Enjoy.

HEADLINES

1. Fans miss Green Bay – Dallas game. Sun still rises a day later!

That’s right folks, we are all here today. I have not read anything about fans storming into cable operators offices to stage protests. Violence did not erupt around the nation. I think its time the NFL network played ball with Comcast and other cable carriers. You see sports is a niche, the same way some people watch Home and Garden television. The NFL seems to have too high an opinion of themselves and their shitty broadcasting team.

2. Pittsburgh – Miami Monday Night Game

Some commentators are furious that Ricky Williams got to play, some wanted to see more of him. No one seems to have mentioned how dangerous that field was on Monday night. The momos of Pittsburgh went with the quick fix after a series of high school and the Pitt – Rutgers games were played on Heinz Field. With time at a premium, they decided the best course of action was to place turf on top of turf and hope the weather cooperated.

As you probably saw, that did not work. Now Pittsburgh is down a couple hundred grand since they will have to replace the sod again. Here is a what if scenario- What if a star player blew out a knee on that slop?

*Side Note- If you are a gambler, how easy was it for you to take the under (34.5) in this game? They even delayed the game because of lightning giving you more time to tune in and then place your bet.

3. Injuries-

Either the NFL is obsessed with fantasy football or professional football has very little going on during the week. Look at espn, cbs, fox, nfl.com, etc. 95% of all the headlines are about injuries.

4. NON FOOTBALL RELATED TIP OF THE WEEK

Eat meatless once a week. I love eating animal flesh as much as the next person, but give it a try. One day a week go with out meat, your body will thank you. I have done it since the summer and am a huge fan. I do not know all the reasons why, but it sure does make me feel better.

5. NON FOOTBALL RELATED TIP OF THE WEEK #2

Need to send that perfect card to friends/family/people you don’t wish specific harm upon? LWN has the answer for you! UDOJ turned me onto this site. These cards are hilarious. Just make sure the people you send them to have a sense of humor. Here is an example from their “cry for help” section.

LET’S REVIEW

Well, well, well my second consecutive 4-0 week. Someone is hotter than Megan Fox. That someone dear readers is LWN.

1. Philly getting 24 (it was 25 on Sunday) COME ON! Too easy. Did the Eagles find the formula to beat New England? I think no. I agree with Bill Belichick when he says each game is a completely different event, not interdependent on anything else. The thing New England does well is they don’t miss tackles and cover WRs on defense. On offense they simply beat zone coverage. This is not rocket science.

2. I knew Cincy was due for a win. Stop preparing the Vince Young Hall of Fame Bust!

3. Seattle had me scared for a while, but a hearty thanks goes out to Gus Freotte for fumbling the last play on the goal line.

4. Oakland – KC “…both teams come in with huge question marks in every aspect of the game I expect there to be an extra score propelling us over the 34.5 over.”

PICKS

1. NY Jets @ Miami -1

I think it is about time the ‘fins got a win. They have lost 6 games by three points. The Jets suck, I expect Ted Ginn to go off.

Miami 28 – NYJ 21

2. San Diego @ Kansas City +6

I think the Chargers are going to start peaking soon. A big win last week was important, a win this week gets them back in the AFC West- A division no one wants to win. I think they do it because they won last week and LT did almost nothing. KC is not impressive. My only hope is Kolby Smith has a big day since he is my number 1 running back on my fantasy team due to injuries.

San Diego 35 – Kansas City 14

3. AND NOW FOR MY

Denver -3.5 @ Oakland

Denver 28 – Oakland 10…. MARK IT DOWN!

4. TWO TEAM TEASER!

Detroit +3.5 @ Minnesota and Cincinnati + 7 @ Pittsburgh

Teased six points this becomes Det + 10 and Pitt -1 I think Detroit is iffy unless getting points, I think Pittsburgh will beat the Bengals at home after Cincy got that win out of their system. Warrior poet Troy Polamalu makes a return to action in this game.

Detroit 24 – Minny 20, Pitt 23 – Cincy 20

Imaginary wagers

200 on Denver

100 on the teaser, 100 on SD

50 on the fins

Results

Last Week 4-0

Overall 25-19

W/L imaginary $ +400

Overall W/L imaginary $ +790