College Football Week 13

“If you watch ‘The Biggest Loser,’ then I know who the biggest loser is!”

We will start with a quote from one of my favorite movies from 2004, “Mean Girls.”

Remember the part when they have to do the trust fall? The wheel chair girl (Jessica Lopez) gets up there and says, “I don’t hate you cuz yo’ fat…..yo’ fat cuz I hate you.” Powerful words indeed dear readers.

Now granted I could lose ten pounds, but I am not morbidly obese, let me start with that before I let the shit fly. But are any of you out there familiar with ‘The Biggest Loser’? I will assume you are not, and your boy will give you his analysis of the most recent season currently airing on NBC….your green friendly network.

Really, really fat people are gross. I am sure you see them in your work places, favorite restaurants, gyms, clothing stores and lypo clinics, etc. They struggle to breathe, are out of breath leaving their cars which are too small for them, but if you are lucky…. like me of course they sit near you on airplanes.

I am done with their excuses. Sure you can get 50 pounds overweight or so, but more than that and UDOJ and I will mock you and hang Twinkies over your head in hopes that you do our work or chores at home (think of the carrot and the stick….only fatter).

WARNING SPOILER ALERT! For those of you that have XXL DVRs

This season a gaggle of fatties waddled to the Biggest Loser campus, possibly Occidental College in California, located a mere three miles from the closest In-N-Out Burger.

In a twist on years previous, six of the eighteen heifers were kicked off the show in the first episode…Wait, but let me go back a second. Six of the eighteen heifers were kicked off the show in episode one after a foot race. The last six looked like they were going to hit the bricks. I guess kicked off is a little harsh…. six actually died. Their families mourned their HUGE loss.

This was disturbing, but have you ever seen fat people compete in a foot race? It’s equally as funny when you put peanut butter on a dog’s nose and watch them try to lick it off.

OK, so the six didn’t actually die, they composed the third team, the mighty black team. (This season they went into three teams of 6- red, blue and black).

Soon the usual drama ensued. Fat people work out with gay male trainer. Fat people work out with nice ditsy girl trainer. Fat people work out with militant female trainer. Fat people cry, explain how they didn’t realize they were so fat (while a video montage shows them eating donuts and XL pizzas). Fat people complain about eating, talk about food the way a crack head discusses crack.

After a week, they weigh in. Those who have lost the lowest percentage of weight fall below the all important yellow line. Then the fatties vote someone off the show.

During the week we see the “creative” work out shots. Dragging tires, building sand castles, piling on top of each other to reach a flag, whatever. This of course adds drama to the show. Also adding to the drama is that these “people” miss their families, and their pizza rolls of course.

Here is a sequence from every show-

Fat woman crying (looking at picture of kids): “I miss them so much, but they need me to do this for them….” Enter water works. “I just want to go home bwahahahaahah.”

Thin Trainer (trying to hug them for dramatic effect): “They need you to do this, you need to do this for you.”

After someone is voted off, they all get motivated and realize their television mortality. Then they get the Rocky Balboa “eye of the tiger” and move on to the next grueling work out. I wish the producers would add that song for dramatic and funny effect.

So now you get the point of the show. Let me explain why the chubsters are such a drain on us other humans.

1. 3.8 million Americans are over 300 pounds. About .0001% of them are NFL players.
2. 400,000 are over 400 pounds
3. 31% of Americans are considered obese
4. Childhood obesity rates have tripled in the past 20 years
5. Over 300,000 deaths are contributed to obesity each year.
6. One source says obesity cost the U.S. $75.1 billion in 2003 in health care costs. This is still rising.
7. Automobiles and airplanes are not made with 300 pound people in mind. This is costing the U.S. millions of dollars in oil, as well as depleting our natural resources we steal from other countries.
8. This costs everyone!

I am all for Laissez-faire policies regarding almost anything until it hits me in the wallet. Items 6 and 7 directly correlate to ME losing money. This is not fair considering obesity is easily preventable/cure-able. Go to the gym and eat less calories every day and you won’t be a fat mess.

The good news for the fat ones out there. YOU can be the next Jared or Biggest Loser winner. All you need to do is get thin, then you can be rich. I cannot find official costs to book these speakers, but I assume it is in the range of $1,000 -$5,000 per session since I frequently book speakers for events. What a country America is!

I’ll leave you with a few “Yo Mama’s so fat” jokes-

Yo momma’s so fat she needs a VCR for a pager

Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs

Yo momma’s so fat she had to get baptised at sea world

HEADLINES

1. Happy Trails Lloyd Carr! Now watch the dominoes fall and LWN’s coach picks come to fruition.

2. Nick Saban is an idiot.

Saban, trying to be deep and relevant was trying to tell the media that his team needed to overcome adversity. So what did he do? He mentioned other adverse conditions- 9/11 and Pearl Harbor. Granted I am not insinuating that Saban was trying to say losing to UL-Monroe is the same, but he is dumb for mentioning that. For someone that is regarded in many circles as a great wordsmith, Saban unleashed the 9/11 remark, looked almost stunned when he said it, then went on to reference Pearl Harbor. What a mess. Good luck beating Auburn.

3. Purdue player arrested again

Purdue WR Selwyn Lymon was kicked off the team this week after he was arrested for his second DUI this year. The Cincinnati Bengals and Jacksonville Jaguars front office’s have been trying to get Lymon’s agent on the phone immediately.

4. Penn State must disclose Joe Pa’s salary.

Who cares. The man did pay/raise money for a library on campus.

LET’S REVIEW

1. Dixon out, Stoops’ defense rises to the challenge, USC in line for another PAC 10 title.

2. Penn State loses after holding a 17 point lead over Michigan State. Kaplan572 now owes me $25.

3. Ball State crushes Toledo. Duh.

4. UB loses, I am right. Turner Gill may not be in line for a major coaching job yet. Rejoice Western NY.

5. I use my reverse psychology and Indiana wins the Old Oaken Bucket. Now to see if a bowl game trip is feasible for LWN.

6. Wow Louisville, you suck. Rumors now swirling that UL headman Steve Kragthorpe is going to SMU to further plunge them down the toilet.

7. Hawaii beat Nevada, was that in question? I took it money-line so it paid almost nothing.

PICKS

1. USC +3 @ ASU:

It’s hard to argue against this match-up being the key contest of the week, unless you live near the Missouri Kansas border. But I will get to that later. At stake, the PAC -10 title. History tells us this will be a USC win and I am inclined to agree.

Keys of the game- brought to you by my 1996 Subaru Impreza

For USC-

1. Booty or Sanchez, Sanchez or Booty. It looks like Booty is the man in SoCal, but I really think Sanchez would have the better game. You see Sanchez is the better player, but Pete Carroll is loyal to anyone who shuts their mouth about all the extra benefits to players that shut their mouth. Booty is a f-in SOLDIER (insert your favorite Kellen Winslow JR. impression).

2. Rushing the ball will be key. Look for Chauncey Washington to get most of the work after his 220 yard day against Cal. I predict a 157 day on the ground for him.

3. USC D- They need to be swarming. ASU has speed at the skill position positions and Rudy Carpenter is consistent. Something Sam Keller could not prove he was.

For ASU-

1. Keep Carpenter upright. USC has blazing speed on defense. Carpenter will make the plays if given time. Play action slows an over pursuing defense down. Just a thought.

2. ASU will give any tailback the ball. Watch for this trend to continue. Keegan Herring, Dimitri Nance, Preston Jones can all run the ball. Will Ryan Torian return? Not sure, but subbing backs to keep them fresh is a smart move against this defense.

3. ASU D- Troy Nolan, Robert James and Justin Tryon have been key components of the ASU defense this year. Between them, they have 12 INTs. The secondary must cover well man-to-man so that the safeties can key on run support.

USC wins late.

USC 28 – ASU 24

2. Tennessee +3 @ Kentucky:

I still think Eric Ainge sucks, but I think Kentucky sucks more. I don’t care if they are at home, on the road, playing at Church hill downs Kentucky is less predictable then UT. The Vols avoided a HUGE home loss against Vandy. They rebound in a close one.

UT 31 – UK 28

3. AND NOW FOR MY

Missouri +2.5 @ Kansas

Missouri wins because they have more defense than Kansas!

Mizzou 41- Kansas 35

*Side Note- This rivalry is SUPPPPPER SERIAL! Don’t buy it? Scroll down a bit.

THEY ACTUALLY KILLED EACH OTHER! Not in football, but in real life.

4. Virginia Tech -3.5 @ Virginia

I think Va Tech makes a simple business trip to Charlottesville in this one to dispatch the Cavaliers.

Va Tech 28 – UVA 21

UPSET OF THE WEEK AND ALMA MATER PICKS

1. UB -1 @ Kent State- Buffalo 17 – KSU 28

2. South Carolina OVER Clemson 23 – 14

Results

Last Week 4-3

Overall 31-33

W/L Imaginary $ +75

Overall W/L Imaginary $ +10

Imaginary Wagers

$50 Across except South Carolina

$25 on South Caro