NFL Week 10

“If you are uneducated, play Madden more”

Something rattled around my brain yesterday when sitting down with my young mentees. Children have no sense of reality. I asked them what their future aspirations were, and I got, “Football player, basketball player, football player, basketball player.”

I stressed education to them, and they countered with made up statistics about reaching their dreams. So then I broke down how one makes it to the NFL (usually). I had them take out their circles of paper and a writing implement and do the following math.

120 Division IA teams x 85 scholarship players per team = 10,200 athletes

Subtract 2550 players (freshman) who are not eligible to enter the draft. You are left with 7650 players eligible for the draft.

In 2007 there were 255 players drafted in the 7 rounds. This leaves 7425 players looking for another career. That means approximately 2.9% of eligible Division IA players are drafted. Hundreds more are signed to serve as glorified tackling dummies during practices, but then need to look for other employment.

The kids were floored by this. Now that I have broken their spirits, perhaps they will behave.

This led me to consider “Madden Nation” as the electronic counterpart to real life. For those of you not in the know, “Madden Nation” is a video game tournament where the best Madden players in the country leave their families and homes for the chance to play for $100,000 at Times Square. When players lose, they are eliminated and they leave the traveling tour bus immediately. It is a winner take all tournament. Each player represents a real life NFL player, I still don’t understand why.

Some questions and observations about the nation-

1. Have you ever seen so many white people that emulate negative black stereotypes?
2. The broken glass during in-game interviews represents their parents shattered dreams for their children. Se above.
3. “Curly Top,” the host sounds like Bill Bellamy, looks like Jay-Z, but costs ESPN less than the deceased EZ-E
4. Some of these guys say they play 60-70 hours a week. How about getting a job. It seems like quite a gamble to win the 100K.
5. The nicknames of these guys- “Duka,” “Sherm Sticky,” “Da Secret,” “Problem,” “Shop Master,” “Tha Gift,” etc. These names sound like drug dealers from straight to home video gangsta movies.
6. The jackass representing Larry Johnson has LJ as a fullback? Huh, what?

Something else that comes into play is that there are always “screw job” games in football. You know what I am talking about. When the artificial intelligence of the computer is similar to the War Operation Plan Response, or “WOPR” from ‘War Games.’ No matter what you do, you can’t win.

Also, from my experience Madden revolves around scoring and gives the defense little to no chance of stopping the opposing player very often. If one million start this Madden Nation tournament and only one gets 100K, the odds are 1/1,000,000, or .0001 percent chance to win 2.5 times the average annual U.S. salary. Your odds are better if you try to play pro football.

Finally, I would like to know if there is any compensation provided to those who travel on the bus in an attempt to make it to NYC. If not, they have missed about two weeks of work. Once again, using the average hourly rate of $19.13 times 80 hours of work time these fools have lost $1,530.40 in gross pay from their hourly jobs.

*Side note- Luckily, it seems most of these clowns live in their parents basements so they won’t get evicted.

HEADLINES

1. Indianapolis fans are turncoats.

While watching last weekend’s game, and listening to some of the local talk radio it seems Indy fans are upset with the outcome of last weekend’s game. That is to be expected, but I think they should chill out. The Colts game plan was relatively simple. Play keep away from the Patriots. Also, it was probably considered a success since the Colts had the ball late in the game with a chance to win with a score. You can’t ask anything else from the coaching staff. Uber-Qb Manning just needed to perform, it didn’t work out in his favor, so be it. I smell a mini-rant coming on.

Mini-Rant

The Colts WR Aaron Moorehead is quickly becoming my least favorite player in the NFL. Congrats to him for overcoming the difficult odds to make the NFL, and I am sure he is a better WR than I am. With that in mind though, he dropped a ball that he needed to catch late in the game.

Also, Moorehead made $726,000 according to Fox Sports in 2006. He got this sum of money for what? 5 catches and 41 yards (8 for 82 counting the post season). This season, he has 4 catches for 26 yards. Also, he received more money than I make in a year for being on the roster for the playoffs/Super bowl.

Word! The only thing worse than this is the lack of joy he brings children when showing up to their elementary schools. Children probably cry because they expect Peyton Manning and all they get is the number 4 WR from the Colts. To fool the kiddies, Moorehead should wear a fake moustache and tell them he is Marvin Harrison.

“I’m Marvin Harrison bitches!”

Let’s take a deeper look at Aaron Moorehead-

• Lists the Raiders Jerry Rice as his favorite athlete because of his work ethic
• Is an active volunteer in the Indianapolis area with community service programs and Colts’ sponsored events
• Has a radio show called Catching Up with Aaron Moorehead, on Tuesday evenings from 5:00pm to 6:00pm on ESPN Radio
• Would like to eventually coach at the high school or collegiate level

Aaron and I would both like to coach at the collegiate level! Too bad it won’t work for me since I am not a minority or a woman (See here for more details). I would also like my dreams to be filled with puppy dogs and rainbows.

In all seriousness, Moorehead by accounts is a “nice guy” and has not made the arrest of the week feature. Take note Moorehead, LWN is watching, and he is angry that you make more money than and can out run him!

2. Chris Henry makes the news again!

A parking attendant told police that Henry and another man parked their sport utility vehicle without paying. According to an incident report, the attendant said Henry argued loudly with him and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

Actually, only 14 year old girls looking for booze know who Chris Henry is. Or perhaps Henry was not wearing his own jersey while brandishing a gun. This is why the attendant didn’t know who you were!

3. Chad Johnson gets the Kevin Everett treatment.

Good news out of Bengals camp, Ocho Cinco only had a stiff neck after a bone jarring hit on Sunday. The good news is Johnson will use this experience in his next TD celebration.

4. NFL sportswriter Peter King is a flip-flopper.

Trust me, I read King’s articles and consider him to be pretty good. Unfortunately, he contradicted himself this week when talking about Reggie Bush-

“Reggie Bush is playing better and running more physically this year than last.”

Earlier this year

“I’m as down on Reggie Bush as everyone else right now…”

At least tell us you were wrong! Contradiction is fine as long as you eat some crow.

NON FOOTBALL RELATED TIP OF THE WEEK

A quick English lesson. Many people use the term “reiterate” when they mean to say “iterate.” To iterate something is to repeat it. To reiterate is to repeat the iteration.

Example-

This is what I say to my dog, Boss

“Boss, stop licking you ass.”

“Boss, I said stop licking your ass.” (Iterate)

“Boss, let me reiterate, stop licking your ass or you go in the cage.”

Clear? I know I am an abuser of the English language, but I don’t get paid to write this blog.

LET’S REVIEW

1. Seattle v. Cleveland- Seattle blows, did anyone watch this game?

2. SD v. Minny- Huh, Peterson 296 yards. I told you he was the best back in the draft.

3. New England did not cover, duh

4. Baltimore is terrible. Bring in Boller.

PICKS

1. Denver +3 @ Kansas City:

Larry Johnson is out, Kansas City lost to Green Bay, and Denver can’t be that bad, right?

Denver 28-KC 24

2. Chicago -3 @ Oakland:

I am 2-0 going with and against the Bears this year. That trend continues in hazy Oakland. Lamont Jordan is out if that matters. Oakland is beginning to play putrid.

Chicago 17 – Oakland 3

3. AND NOW FOR MY

Pittsburgh – Cleveland (over 48)

Something tells me the Steelers coming off a short week will not explode against the Browns. The Browns will play slightly better than the first meeting. This one will come down to the wire to make the over, but I like it! Clevelandis averaging 28.4 points per game. The Steelers are averaging 27.8. That will be the final score!

4. Eagles +3 @ Washington

Jason Campbell is a hack, Washington is not that good. Philly is bad, but not bad enough on Sunday. The Eagles get it going with 165 total yards from Brian Westbrook. Additionally, UDOJ has a lot riding on Washington Redskins games the rest of the way. He bet a portly staff member that the ’skins would go less than 8-8 this year. If he loses, he owes a work week’s worth of lunches. If he wins, the opposite happens. I know who he is rooting for!

Eagles 17 – Washington 14

IMAGINARY WAGERS

50 Across

RESULTS

Last Week 1-3

Overall 17-19

W/L $- -25

Overall W/L $- +190