College Football Week 11

“Community service isn’t just for criminals anymore”

Dear readers, first and foremost LWN would like to welcome you to his new home. Due to the large following LWN has (20,565 views of my material), his handlers who only let him out of his cage to entertain you, have decreed that LWN move his ramblings to a more “work safe” location. You will still be able to find my ramblings at www.smokeymctrees.com, but you can also access the same info here. Also, you can keep up with my other blog, The Meaningful Collateral here!

As some of you know, LWN is a community related man. He mentors a group of three young men each year at a local elementary/middle school during the year. Part of this socially conscious duty requires LWN to take part in interesting field trips to various places in the Indianapolis area, like these-

1. A homeland security grant allowed these kids to “experience” downtown Indianapolis. Two of LWN’s kids ran away and went missing for almost an hour.

2. A trip to the Indiana State Police Academy and Museum. At this lovely event children could not keep their hands off items that read “Do Not Touch,” experienced being arrested (they fought over who was going to get arrested first), and ran away again.

3. Last week we were B.A.D.!

While I may be making a difference in these kid’s lives (it is still up in the air), I am sure that I did attend the Be Against Drugs (B.A.D.) Blue Ribbon event at the Indianapolis State Fair Grounds last Tuesday!

The B.A.D event was just that, B-A-D. Before getting on the bus, one of my mentees was excused from the field trip after delivering a well placed jab that landed squarely on the face of another child. This is not a shock to me since last year I had a kid who was kicked out of school for bringing a shiv, or homemade knife to school!

The B.A.D. event had each child from a number of public schools running around, playing games, throwing things at things to win candy, but above all informational tables. Some of the tables were informative. The anti-smoking people taught me that black men like smoking menthol cigarettes more than white people, with no scientific data backing it up. I also learned drugs, while fun to use (according to the “professional”) does not make someone B.A.D. Above all, my favorite group who likes to shove opinions down your throat made an appearance…….THAT’S RIGHT THE INDIANAPOLIS RIGHT TO LIFERS ATTENDED THE CELEBRATION! I brought back a TON of their informational material, and gave it to frequent contributor The Ultimate Decider of Justice. Here is what he had to say.

The UDOJ on… ANTI-ABORTION LITERATURE!

“Last week, LWN giddily bounced into my office. Normally a portent of a positive week of fake-money gambling, I was prepared to oblige his ego and get back to my job – deciding justice ultimately. However, that day LWN carried not a mouthful of sass and a moustache, but a fat sack of right-to-life literature (though he was sassy and mustachioed). What follows, for your purview, is a review of the same.Anti-abortion lit. has clearly come a long way in the past decade. Though it is not rare to spot a gaggle of plainly-dressed women, men in dress shirts with the top button buttoned and their doe-eyed children gathered outside of a high school carrying a classy banner (see exempli gratia here link:http://www.stopcolumbuskilling.net/stop%20columbus%20killing/web-pagemural/clip_image004.jpg), today’s lover of babies born and unborn is considerably more mainstream, at least by publication appearances. The information provided by LWN shows that right-to-lifers have discovered graphic design and refined their rhetoric while downplaying some of the more hysterical claims from the past. For example, the verifiable fact that condoms are not 100% useful at preventing STIs and pregnancy is clung to like the precept of separate-but-equal rights in the South, with the result being a bunch of pamphlets that appear to suggest that using condoms is like playing Russian roulette with your genitals. One went so far as to suggest that condom use is like hanging over a cliff on a frayed rope. However, I didn’t see anything suggesting that condom use is “evil” or “makes the baby Jesus cry,” which can only be termed an upgrade from past statements (NOTE: the Vatican was not contacted for this story).

Most entertaining (beyond the rubber fetus) were the postcard-size warnings about syphilis and herpes. I always thought the shape of syphilis was a spirochete and herpes was an icosahedron, but not according to these handouts. Syphilis is actually a weirdly friendly looking black blob with purple eyes and mouth, and herpes is a vampire bumblebee. So, kids, next time you’re out having unprotected sex as you are wont to do, make sure you check your partner for vampire bumblebees around the penis or vagina. If you see a vampire bumblebee, run away.”

With all of this in mind, please note that I spend about two hours per week doing community service, and when I perform it, it seems like it is Karma getting back at me for the number of digressions that I have performed over the years, but like a battered wife/husband/girlfriend/dog/boyfriend I continue coming back for more, because community service is not only for criminals anymore. Then I am left with this thought. “Won’t somebody please think of the children?” LWN will Mrs. Lovejoy, LWN will.

HEADLINES

1. Nebraska coach Bill Callahan sidesteps questions about his future.

The writing is on the bathroom stall coach, and it does not say, “for a good time, for a good time caaaaaaaaallllll 867-530Ni ehe 9)”. Fair-well to the good times in Lincoln coach. The good news is you will be able to vacate the ‘Shucker State.

*Side Note- Here is the final blow, Callahan referenced strength through religion to the media. From www.cbs.sportsline.com

“With scrutiny intensifying with each loss, Callahan said he leans on his religion.

I’ve got to count on the Lord in that respect. That’s where I derive my strength from,” Callahan said. “That’s what any Christian does. You put your trust in the Lord and you go forward.”

2. With three games left in the season Chuck Weis is one game worse than Willingham.

True story kiddies. Weis is 20-15 as the large headman at Domer U., Tyrone Willingham was 21-15 as the same time, only weeks before his canning. On a side note, Weis highlighted some great play when he addressed the media, such as a 32-yard punt return and a 253-yard rushing day against NAVY!

LWN wants you to ask your domer friends about the Irish season and beyond (you know you have at least one), and they will blame Tyrone Willingham for this season, which is funny since most of Weis’ recruits should be playing by now. Also, they will no doubt point to the perceived success of Chuck Weis’ future football classes. Well that is bullshit. Remember recruiting class rankings are created by random independent contractors, paid by the Worldwide Leader and sports conglomerates of similar character to feed the fan frenzy. A biased view of athletic potential of high school athletes cannot determine future successes on the field. Believe that.

3. Who do you got for Heisman?

Currently, I like Dennis Dixon, not only because his last name is pronounced DICK-SON! He is winning, Heisman voters like that. Too bad he won’t win because Oregon plays on the West Coast. Below are my top 3 on November 6, 2007.

2007 Season Stats:
Passing: 2,074 YDS | 20 TD
3 INT | 67.9 CMP%
Rushing: 549 YDS | 8 TD

2. Darren McFadden and his sick-ass ride

2007 Season Stats:
Rushing: 1,314 YDS | 12 TD
Passing: 65 YDS | 2 TD
Receiving: 97 YD | 0 TD

3. Tim Tebow

2007 Season Stats:
Passing: 2,228 YDS | 21 TD
4 INT | 67.7 CMP%
Rushing: 598 YDS | 14 TD

LET’S REVIEW

In my haste to entertain you, I neglected to enter my imaginary wagers on the games last week. To make my arch nemesis Dickhead McAsshole happy, we will say I played 40 across, minus the UB game which would have been 20. Upsets of the week have no value.

1. Wisconsin let me down, and continued to let the Ohio State charade continue. Weak Badgers.

2. Purdue – PSU was a push

3. Michigan only won by 4.

4. Nebraska lost 76-39, and had a 14-7 lead at one point.

5. Buffalo hung tough, but as I said the only stat that matters- UB is 0-2 with LWN in the stands this year. More on this in another article this week.

6. Indiana pulled away late from Ball State.

I don’t recall a week where I picked so many outright winners (OSU, PSU, Michigan, Miami and Indiana) but failed to cover on any of them.

PICKS

1. Kentucky -3.5 @ Vanderbilt:

Vanderbilt burned me like Gonorrhea earlier this season against Georgia. They seem to play pretty well at home. Earlier this year Kentucky and Vanderbilt both held their own destinies in the SEC East. Both found a way to move to the bottom of the standings only weeks later. Kentucky has lost two in a row and there is no way they lose a third.

The Keys to the game- brought to you by my 1996 Subaru Impreza

For Kentucky

1. Realize that you should out-gain and outscore Vanderbilt. Regardless of how smart Vandy players may tell you they are, they do not have the athletes to cover you when you spread the field out.

2. Use a heavy dose of the running game. Spread the field and defense, then rush up the middle until Vanderbilt commits another body or two to the line of scrimmage. After doing that air the ball out.

For Vanderbilt

1. Don’t try to out Kentucky Kentucky. Try to control the game on offense using quick screens, and runs. The best way not to let Woodson beat you is to keep him off the field.

2. Study the South Carolina tape! South Carolina’s Defense is much better than yours, but the coordinators committed to jumping pass plays and all out blitzes to slow down the Kentucky offense. You may as well gamble since you don’t have that much to lose.

Kentucky 42- Vanderbilt 24

2. East Carolina -7 @ Marshall

While this is hardly a “game of the week” it is probably a safe game to play. Unbenounced to the rest of college football, ECU is not a terrible team. They lost to Virginia Tech, Southern Miss, NC State and West Virginia. There is not too much shame in those loses. The Pirates average margin of victory in conference is 14.4 points per contest. Marshall might be better off if Matthew McConaughey and Matthew Fox were coaching the team. Their one win came against Rice, who is 2-7 on the year.

East Carolina 42- Marshall 28

AND NOW FOR MY

Airforce -3 @ Notre Dame

Service academy take two! There is no way Notre Dame loses to a second service academy in two weeks. It won’t happen. The Irish have some positives to build off- a kick return for 32 yards, no confidence in their field goal kicker and an over-hyped, under utilized freshman QB with the best hair in the biz. What could possibly go wrong?

Notre Dame 29- Airforce 24

UPSET OF THE WEEK

1. South Carolina OVER Florida- South Carolina’s defense has played pretty well this year (top 10 earlier in the season), Florida can’t run the ball at a defensive line, and South Carolina has a decent offense. Note- Florida nearly lost this game at home last year.

2. California OVER USC- Down with the Trojans I say. GO CAL.

Note- Upsets of the week will not count statistically.

Indiana -1.5 @ Northwestern:

I think Indiana wins this one in a “sort of must win” game. Indiana is bowl eligible, but needs one more win to lock it up. Playing the Wildcats seems like as good a time as any.

Indiana 45-Northwestern 43

RESULTS

26-27-2

Last week 0-4-1

Imaginary W/L $ – +185

Overall Imaginary $ 1185

IMAGINARY WAGERS

100 on Notre Dame, Kentucky and ECU

50 on Indiana