NFL Week 4

If anyone in the NFL cannot cover a 17.5 spread, please raise your hands.

In the NFL, anyone who cannot come anywhere near the opposing team should be destroyed immediately. After spotting the Bills 7, the Pats went apeshit on the hapless Buffalonias rattling off an astonishing 38 points. I don’t care if city savior J.P. Losman got injured. I don’t care if the Pats offense mauled Ko Simpson and Paul Posluzny. The boys in Vegas must have been saying to themselves, “hmmmmm how in the hell do we entice gambling on this great team, and this poor excuse for a Division IAA team?” “I got it,” one explained, “give the Bills 17 and one half.” Well I fell for it. There is NOOOOO excuse for this. Suck it up Bills.

NEW CONSPIRACY THEORY

As many of you know, LWN is a renowned traveler. He boards planes regularly and rather enjoys air travel. Especially since he is kind of a big deal with Northwest Airlines.

WELCOME TO GAINES-VEGAS!!!!

Who is this rogue, this “Love Without Nagel”? Why does he lighten our days with prose, then vanish into the ether? Fear not, for LWN has returned.

You all remember the premise of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, right? Well, take out the drugs, the pimping, and the motorcycle race, and that’s what we have here. Yes, TMC has dispatched ace correspondent Love Without Nagel to college campuses across the country, hoping that he’ll meet his editorial deadlines and not bankrupt the website with his expense accounts. Our first such report features LWN reporting from a little city on I-75, about 30 miles north of Ocala, as he looks back fondly at a trip to Gaines-Vegas and The Swamp. More after the jump.

College Football Week 5

QUICK! STOP THE PRESSES! UCONN AND TENESSEE COACHES HAVE A BATTLE OF WORDS!
Wait, hold on. It’s this coach

And this coach

Does anyone in this country give a shit about women’s basketball? Sasquatch, I mean Rebecca Lobo are you out there?
For the record, it seems women’s uber coach Pat Summitt is weaseling out of the UConn – Tennessee series “because Geno knows why.” This seems eerily similar to an event I once had in college. An exclusive deal for goods and/or services with a woman, an argument I don’t recall, then a mysterious disappearance, followed by a war of words. Granted I was totally bombed that night, but she did say it was a good size. So when she said “Rob knows why I am leaving,” I was perplexed.
Pat Summit reminds me of this girlfriend for this reason below.

Very arrogant air about herself for being at a middle of the road University of higher education.

NFL Week 3

ICEBERG STRAIGHT AHEAD!

Last week was bad. So I am going to cut out most of my usual hilarity to get into the games. But first……

ARREST OF THE WEEK

If they didn’t get you last time, they sure will get you this time. At least you remembered to smile for this one!

Simpson said this “The police, since my trouble, have not worked out for me,” he said, noting that whenever he has called the police “It just becomes a story about O.J.”

This moron bust into a room to get back some sports collectables? What? Huh? Look on the shelves soon for the book, “I did not committ armed robery, but if I did this is how I WOULD have done it.”

I went a terrible 2-3 last week. I only had the Dallas game clocked.

If you’re too careful, your life can become an effin’ grind

The following post is courtesy of Love Without Nagel, who’s currently busy subduing 1,000 hungry cannibals with a green talisman and a copy of Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises”. While we anxiously await LWN’s foreign correspondent report from last week’s Florida-Tennessee game, he takes time out of his never-ending road trip to ruminate on Miami’s new coach.Randy Shannon is not my hero.

Randy Shannon is not in a coaching situation I want to be in.

Randy Shannon is not Jimmy Johnson, Butch Davis or Larry Coker. Randy Shannon is a coach I want to hate.

Randy Shannon is a not necessarily a hard luck coaching guy that I want to give credit to, but I can respect him. Typically a guy like this leaves Miami for a better job. By better I mean, the Assistant Head Coach of Big Ten North. Instead, the Miami brass identified him as the new head man at Miami. I felt a twinge of anger/ulcer when this word came from Donna Shalala (who, by the way, sounds like a Gloria Estafan/Miami Sound Machine back up singer).

I called his team out in my latest column on my other wildly popular website, smokeymctrees.com. Now I feel like Mike McDermott driving Kinish’s truck for extra dough after I lost it all against Teddy KGB.

Randy Shannon is different from all the other Miami coaches in his era. He is neither white, nor privileged, nor arrogant. What he is, however, is a true grinder. A man that can actually bring Miami some respectability. A man who seems to have the judge’s game clocked after seeing half a hand.

College Football Week 4

You: “Spin me a yarn about your weekend LWN.”
Me: “Much obliged.”

**Please note the faces and names have been omitted to protect the guilty.

Gainesville, FL at a glance-

Ranked #1 city in the country in 2007
Estimated population of 108,103
Originally inhabited by the Timucua Indians (Native Americans)
Known as “Tree City USA” due to the amount of deciduous trees.
Home to the University of Florida

Gainesville, FL by the numbers from my weekend

1 Game attended
2 Debit Cards accidentally swapped by Applebee’s waitress Jenn (Note the second “N”)
3 bars attended
4 Morons running loose
5 Number of brain cells I lost (in millions)
6 Pitchers ordered, which led to an argument, and subsequently 6 ejections from 1 bar.

NFL Week 2

Week 1 in the books. Everything basically went as planned, except the Ravens looked O-L-D.

YOUR 2007 BALTIMORE RAVENS!

We will get back to football in a minute. First I wanted to tell everyone about a movie none of you who are in your mid twenties- thirties should ever watch.

College Football Week 3

I don’t know where else I can start except for this.

“DURHAM, N.H. — The University of New Hampshire said Friday it suspended a backup quarterback after learning that he faces murder charges in California” (ESPN.com).

Does arrogance fall all the way to the D-IAA level? A back up QB is suspected of helping kill a professional surfer in San Diego? Because he and his boys known as the Bird Rock Bandits are in a cute little gang and the surfer spilled a drink on them? They got into a fight at the bar, then followed him home and continued the fight? Use some sense Hank Hendricks, you may have been a gifted athlete, but since you are not rich, you will spend some time in a pound me in the ass prison. Senseless.

NFL Week 1

The start of the football season is better than Christmas, New Year’s Day, Chanukah, summer, my birthday, All Saints Day and Halloween combined. It awakens men’s senses which have been dulled since the playoffs. Note that I said playoffs because the Super bowl is full of hype and rarely delivers.

It gives you an excuse to avoid weddings, birthdays, work and doing anything else that your significant others and the normies of the world would do on a weekend. It is the reason you look forward to getting back in touch with long lost friends at your local bar. In short, football is the best thing to ever happen to you post 21 year old life (besides significant others, weddings, kids and all that other crap).

With apologies to girlfriends, wives, children, assorted family members and pets, see you in twenty weeks or so.

College Football Week 2

Welcome back dear readers!

Well summer’s over. So that is awesome. I know that technically summer doesn’t end until mid September, but let’s analyze the facts. Labor Day was yesterday, college AND high school students are back to the grind, football has started, and our summer casual dress code has ended meaning I have to wear a noose to work everyday. By noose, I mean necktie of course. But let’s call a spade a spade.

Let’s see the history of this wretched piece of attire.

Croatians may have given birth to the necktie, official ender of summer.
The Croatians impressed Louis XIV with their neck scarves worn with the military uniform so much that he decided to ditch the ruffled neck thing these oldie Olsen’s used to wear.