LWN’s COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW

Welcome back sports fans. This Year LWN is back with another mythical thousand dollars of Mr. McTrees, to provide you with some insight on your favorite and least favorite college football teams.

Least year I finished with a 23-25 record. Not quite sterling, but serviceable. While I was just under the Mendoza line, I was able to lose a boatload of fake money.

OFF SEASON RECAP

New Hire, New Life?

As much as I hate Miami, I have to give them some credit. Randy Shannon, while not the number one choice of the Miami brass is a respected coach who will not tolerate the bullshit that the Hurricanes are used to getting away with. So far Shannon has banned any non touchdown post play celebrations, will not tolerate skipped classes by players, and had to make a rule that no team members can have guns. He seriously had to make that rule!

No gats bitches!

Does this mean I have to finally stop ragging on Miami? Negative Ghost Rider. I am sure that even with these rules, plenty of Hurricanes players will still end up in the sports pages for negative publicity. Much like Roger Goodell’s move to improve NFL player off field conduct, Shannon’s policies will be a moot point come mid season. MARK MY WORDS! LWN will make it a point to chronicle every Miami mishap this season.

THE TARNISHED DOMERS

The off-season has once again brought great hype to the has-beens in South Bend. When was the last time Notre Dame won a bowl game? I am pretty sure it was the 1975-1976 season when Sean Austin made two meaningless plays in mop up duty (when he was offside on one).

In real life, the last time ND won a bowl game was 1993. 1993!

In 1993, Jurassic Park and Sleepless in Seattle stole our hearts at the box office, some of the top 25 boys names were-

Tyler, Dylan, Austin, Cameron, Travis, Tanner, Taylor, etc. This is why when you have watched the Little League World Series the past few years; you can’t go a minute without hearing about the team from Bumblefuck East with a lineup card featuring all of the above names. Whatever happened to Rob, Bill, Rich, Chris, Andy? Stupid fucking parents. If anyone is considering naming their child Tanner, call me and I will come to your house and accidentally toss your pregnant wife down the stairs.

In 1993, the average cost of a gallon of gas was $1.16, Bill Clinton was president, The Pentium Microprocessor was released, In Living Color was popular, The Wonder Years ended, Beavis and Butthead aired for the first time, Jerry Springer was still relevant, nerds went crazy over the X files, Boyz II Men wanted to “Make Love to You,” “On Bended Knee” of course, Ace of Base “Saw the Sign”, Whitney Houston DIDN’T have a drug problem and wanted to Always Love Us, Tag Team’s “Whoomp There it is was popular.

Flannel shirts and a defeatist attitude was the wardrobe of the day, Lou Holtz (CHEATER, CHEATER) was the coach, Ron Pawlus (who did NOT win two Heismanns was not even at Notre Dame yet!

Jimmy Clauson, ND’s golden boy was 5.

What an asshole.

How irrelevant has Notre Dame become? So irrelevant that only NBC has failed to realize this.

Let’s look at the Domers 2007 Schedule and make some predictions.

Sept. 1 GEORGIA TECH W
Sept. 8 at Penn State L
Sept. 15 at Michigan L
Sept. 22 MICHIGAN STATE W
Sept. 29 at Purdue W
Oct. 6 at UCLA L
Oct. 13 BOSTON COLLEGE L
Oct. 20 USC L
Nov. 3 NAVY W
Nov. 10 AIR FORCE W
Nov. 17 DUKE W
Nov. 24 at Stanford W

The Domers could conceivably lose to Ga Tech, the Yellow jackets are better than last year since Reggie Ball is no longer making bad decisions at QB. Lucky for Tech Ball decided to fail out of school before their Gator Bowl win this year. Tashard Choice is a true specimen at RB, and their defense is stout.

Penn State is loaded and will get up for ND in front of 107,000.

Michigan will dominate this year.

Michigan State has a bare cupboard and Joe Tiller’s Purdue squad is pedestrian at best.

UCLA is everyone’s sexy pick out west this year.

Boston College is still loaded

USC has 400 former national high school players of the year.

Navy, Air force, Duke Stanford? UB could go 1-2-1 against these fools.

Welcome to 7-5 Notre Dame. See you in the Insight.com, Galaxy Furniture, Alamo dome, Kia Super motors, Amazon.com, BETUSA, crapfest bowl presented by Good Morning America.

Of course Domers will talk about the difficult schedule, and whine about the almost wins against a few teams, but in reality they might have one quality win this season.

POINT SHAVING

If you remember in April, the NCAA threw the book at Toledo because they had “information” linking RB Scooter McDougle to a point shaving scandal when HE WASN’T EVEN PLAYING. McDougle responded by saying, “How was I shaving points when I haven’t played in two seasons?” McDougle told The Blade newspaper in Toledo. “And the last time I did play, I rushed for over 100 yards in my last three games.”

The NCAA has let off to some degree, but still says there is a probe going on at Toledo. McDougle apparently did receive cash, a car, and a phone. Riddle me this, how is this different from-

Please note, Oklahoma and Michigan were cited by the NCAA for rules violations, but not UNLV (the NCAA lost a landmark legal case here) USC and Ohio State were ignored.

Once again this points out the hypocrisy and unfair enforcement of policies by the NCAA. They threw the book at Toledo without proper evidence. Toledo is a “have not.”

UB BULLS PREVIEW

The Bulls led by second year coach Turner Gill returns 14 starters and a host of talented red shirt players and true freshman. If the O-line can hold up this year, look for the offense to not be so offensive. I think the main change this year is that UB actually has some playmakers. Drew Willy can be an accurate QB if he is not on his back, James Starks is stronger and should have a significantly better sophomore season, and Naaman Roosevelt is a player with big play capability.

The defensive line is strong at the end positions and the secondary returns all four starters from last year. The linebackers are the biggest question mark entering year two of the Turner Gill era.

Some upgrades to the stadium have been made, including a new video board, and the new players only weight room. This is a big stepping stone for the shell-shocked program. Look for good gains this year, but I predict only a four win season. Next year, UB will contend for the MAC East title.

BCS CONFERENCE PREVIEW

Big Ten

Michigan wins the conference because of Mike Hart, Chad Henne and Mario Manningham. The D is restocked and ready to roll.

Sleeper- Wisconsin

PJ Hill is a beast at tailback, the only question surrounding the Badgers is the QB position.

Big 12

Texas wins the conference. Colt McCoy showed signs of brilliance last year when not getting his ass kicked. The Big 12 is down a little this year. Oklahoma doesn’t have AP and still is looking for a QB who doesn’t make boatloads of money at Big Red Imports. Nebraska is poised for a decent year, and Missouri can be competitive. Texas A&M might come on late in the season, but I think Texas will distance itself from the conference this year.

Sleepers- Nebraska, Mizzou, Texas A&M

Pac 10

USC will win. Is this fun? Besides, the safe sex boys of So Cal, UCLA, Oregon, Oregon State and Cal will beat each other up.

Sleeper- Oregon State

ACC

This is the second most interesting conference this year. Can Wake repeat? Can Miami return to respectability? Can Clemson continue to improve? Will Bobby Bowden have a grad student assistant to empty his shit bag on the field? Will Ga Tech improve without CJ and Reggie Ball? Does Virginia Tech have anyone interested in dog fighting? Can North Carolina not shit the bed? Does anyone care that Maryland had 9 wins last year? Will Duke win a game?

I think Boston College and Va Tech will battle for the crown this year. Virginia Tech looks strong with Brandon Ore at RB. He will mow down defenses.

Sleepers- Clemson, two headed monster at tail back and a high octane O helps the tigers.

Big East-

The most wide open league in the country. Rutgers, West Virginia, Louisville, Pitt, South Florida.

The South Florida Bulls are the best team you don’t know. I think Pitt will be down after losing Tyler Palko (graduation) and Derek Kinder (knee). I also think West Virginia plays all schemes on offense and defense. While they are entertaining to watch, their undersized O and D can’t hang. Rutgers and Louisville will contend for the title this year. I give The ‘Ville the edge due to returning QB Brian Brohm.

Sleeper- Pitt

SEC

We all know what happened last year in the SEC, which is the best football conference in the country. Florida is good, LSU is better, Georgia is up and coming and Tennessee is better than last year. Arkansas is dangerous, Kentucky won a bowl game last year, and Auburn is always lying in the weeds.

I think LSU is the best team in the conference. They lose once to Florida, Florida loses to Auburn; Tennessee loses twice as does Auburn. LSU wins the conference.

B very afraid of gaining a diploma from our terribly rated Inglish department!

Sleeper- Arkansas. They have the easiest schedule playing only two tough road games.

National Champ- USC. If I am right, I can take solace in that, if wrong, I can smile. Either way I will mock them mercilessly.