LWN is back! I know it’s been too long. I was struck with enlightenment after reading I Hate Hippy’s dreadfully boring sad sap poker column. Seriously Ron, you sound like every other home game hero out there with your whiny “he sucked a two outer on me” bullshit. It then hit me; give the people what they want.
So much has happened in the off season, let’s get moving.
1. Headline- Commissioner Goodell’s new conduct policy threatens to kill LWN’s arrest of the week feature (March 2007).
Let’s see who has been arrested since March.
-Joey Porter, who attacked a Bengal’s O-lineman in Vegas, when I was there by chance.
-AJ Nicholson, Bengals, domestic abuse
-Chris Henry, again, DUI
-Tank Johnson- DUI
-This PacMan Jones quote from last week sums it up “”Everybody keeps saying I’ve been arrested six times,” Jones said.
Pacman Jones, truly a misunderstood man.
“I haven’t been arrested six times. I’ve only been arrested twice. I’ve been accused and people have put warrants out on me numerous other times, but as of today I’m on no probation, I haven’t been charged with anything, so I’m just keeping my head up and make sure I’m doing everything to make sure I’m all right with myself.”
Police records for various incidents in Tennessee and Georgia show five different arrests.
-Something about dogs, “rape stands,” Virginia, I don’t know.
Interestingly enough, my girlfriend alerted me to the fact that someone has created the Mike Vick dog chew toy.
Kudos to you no longer rookie commissioner, it is with great relief that the arrest of the week segment can go on.
2. Hall of fame Induction ceremony
Congrats to Thermal Thomas. Charlie Sanders, Gene Hickerson, Bruce Matthews and Roger Wehrlie. And finally a heartfelt fuck you goes out to Michael Irvin for being enshrined while tarnishing the game I love so much.
Apparently Irvin stole the show. Some thoughts on his rambling monologue.
“Thank you. Father, I’d like to thank you for allowing us all to travel here safely, thank you in advance for the same in allowing us to travel home.
Father, thank you for the man that you sent me to help me in Bishop T.D. Jakes, my spiritual father. I ask you now to put your arms around my Hall of Fame classmate Gene Hickerson and his family. Father, hold them tight and love them right. In Jesus’ name, I pray, amen.”
Translation: “Please contact the Christian speaker’s bureau and pay me $20,000 to speak for an hour to your group.”
“I want to send a special love to all the people in Dallas, Texas, special love to all the Dallas Cowboy fans all over the world. Special love goes to my hometown of South Florida and all the Miami Hurricane fans, St. Thomas Aquinas fans.”
Translation: “I want to thank all the NFL and college sports groupies I banged along the way while cheating on my wife.”
“Jerry, those were kind words. Thank you. You know, when I first met Jerry he had just purchased the Dallas Cowboys. He had a bit of a concerned look on his face.”
Translation: “Jerry knew I was a coked up hack, but with the future huge contracts to Emmitt, Troy, Nate Newton, etc. He could only afford to pay me, a mediocre receiver with a bad attitude, questionable off field antics, and no loyalty to anyone!”
“Jerry, I appreciate your commitment to family, the Dallas Cowboy family and your own family. He has a beautiful wife, Jean. I tell her this. I just love her to death. Her spirit exudes beauty. Her mannerisms exude class. She’s one of a kind. Jean, I do love you.”
Translation: “I know Jean biblically, ha ha ha, um praise the lord.”
“A heartfelt thank you to the selection committee, especially Rick Gosselin and Charean Williams. Charean is the first woman to have a seat on the selection committee. Charean, congratulations to you.”
Translation: “Somehow Jerry Jones bought my way into the hall. Thanks Rick…Sucker!” I also have boned Charean, she got a big ole’ booty.”
“Before my father made his journey to heaven I sat with him. His final words to me were, Promise me you will take care of your mother. She’s a good woman. As you’ve heard, my mother raised 17 children, most of whom are here tonight. There were challenges. But she would never complain.”
Translation: “After my father told me these words, I basically abandoned my family and brought shame to the Irvin name for the last twenty years. One time my mama told me she was very ashamed of me, so in a drug induced rage, I told her I would not pay for her home anymore and would cut off my other brothers and sisters. Then I threw her into a dumpster. Then she shut her fucking mouth!”
“For better or for worse, those are the vows we take before God in marriage. It’s easy to live with the for better, but rarely can you find someone who sticks around and endures the for worse. Sandy, my beautiful wife, I have worked tirelessly, baby, to give you the for better. But I also gave you the for worse, and you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve it.”
Translation: “See above.”
“And then I went on to the University of Miami. I think most of y’all know how I feel about the U. Yeah, the U. You better believe it. After that I was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys where I played and worked with some of the best to ever be around this game. For example, Emmitt Smith. Emmitt Smith is the all time leading rusher.”
Translation: This rambling incoherent babble is one of the reasons ESPN let me go.”
“You can’t accomplish what we’ve accomplished with just great players. You also need great coaches. And we had that. We had guys like Norv Turner, Dave Wannstedt, Dave Campo.”
Editors Note: A real who’s who of NFL coaches.
“I also walked on campus at the University of Miami the same day with our PR director, Rich Dalrymple. I know some of you are saying it’s fitting that you are tight with the PR director, Michael. But Rich has been a great friend.”
Translation: “Rich really helped me out in college by providing me the hottest ‘tutors’ on campus. They would do all my school work and sleep with me so I could focus on getting into trouble and preparing for my over hyped NFL career.”
“It was Rich who taught me that as long as there is plausible deniability, and you pay off bar owners and shop keepers in town, anything can be swept under the rug. Additionally, it was Rich who showed me that as long as you can make it to the game and perform, the U will make sure that an under-educated person can make it in this world by having everything handed to them.”
(To his sons) “I say, Please, help me raise them for some young lady so that they can be a better husband than I. Help me raise them for their kids so that they could be a better father than I. And I tell you guys to always do the right thing so you can be a better role model than dad.”
Translation: “Do as I say, not as I do!”
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Irvin.
3. NFL Summit on concussions
The NFL held a summit to discuss the long term effects of concussions suffered by NFL players. They threw out almost any study that said there were any long term effects from post concussion syndrome. The concession made was that the Commish created a system where anyone can be an anonymous whistle blower and turn in a coach or doctor that advises them to take the field prematurely. That is nice, but here is an example of some of the scholarly literature that is becoming widely reported.
The New York Times reported on a paper slated for publish in the June issue of Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise. Titled “Recurrent Concussion and Risk of Depression in Retired Professional Football Players,” it explains the results of a survey of more than 2,500 ex-NFL players. The study determined that 20.2 percent of players that suffered three or more concussions on the playing field now suffered from depression. The rate of depression was roughly 7 percent for players that could not recall sustaining a concussion during their career (including in high school and college).
Some players this report pertains to-
Andre Waters- committed suicide at the age of 44. (A neuropathologist revealed that Waters’ brain resembled that of an 85 year-old man at death. Waters had suffered more than 15 football-related concussions.)
Ted Johnson- former New England Patriots linebacker Ted Johnson disclosed that he’s suffering from memory loss and depression. He experienced several concussions over his career, including two in four days in 2002, when he says Pats coach Bill Belichick forced him to practice against doctor’s orders. Shortly after Johnson’s story broke, the NFL’s “top concussion expert” stepped down. (Oddly enough, he was a rheumatologist and not a neurologist.)
Mike Webster- A major cog in the Pittsburgh Steelers O-line during their glory days, Webster suffered emotionally and physically showing signs of Parkinson’s, loss of cognitive thought, essentially he lost his frontal lobe function due to repeated hits to the fore head.
The difficulty with this situation is that we all know football is a combative sport. It is brutal, dangerous and can lead to long term side effects. I am ok with that as long as everyone players, coaches, etc make well informed choices regarding their long term health.
4. NFL Off-season moves
After that downer, let’s move to something a little lighter.
AFC OFFSEASON WINNERS
New England
Last years receiving corp. may have been a bit weak, no matter let’s add Donte’ Stallworth, Wes Welker and Randy Moss. I personally think that Welker might be the best add here. Moss can still draw the attention of a corner and make a safety have to play over the top, Stallworth is injury prone, but effective when healthy. Welker is a guy who has speed and will go over the middle for the tough yards. Kudos to the Pats.
On defense they also signed Adalius Thomas from Baltimore. This guy has that hybrid ability; he can rush the passer as a DE or as a linebacker. He has speed and toughness.
Side Note- Is Tom Brady getting more arrogant? Now that he got Ms. Moynihan preggers, it seems that he is more into his own personal image. Every time I go to the news stand old Tommy Boy appears on almost every men’s magazine out there. The catch is, he seems to be on there listed as “best dressed” and other non sports related bullshit.
You heard it here first- Tom Brady vs. Matt Leinart- Deadbeat dad competition. I think Leinart edges out Brady here; he is already a terrible dad apparently.
The Old Shit Stains of The Western Reserve
The Ravens most striking addition is Willis McGahee. This should give them an added advantage in the AFC. Their defense is still strong even though they lost Adalius Thomas to the Patriots. Look out AFC.
Denver Broncos-
Knowing that it may be tough to make a run with second year pro Jay Cutler at the helm, Mike Shanahan added a bevy of defensive players in the off-season.
The Broncos added 3 D-linemen in the draft and signed underrated Dre Bly to complement Champ Bailey on defense.
To help out Cutler on O, they got Travis Henry (ho hum) and Daniel Graham, who will certainly help out Jay when he gets into a pinch.
AFC LOSERS
Joke-land Raiders
So long Randal K. Moss, hello Mike Williams! That’s right; Oakland signed the NFL bust Mike Williams. Somehow Oakland’s front office makes Matt Millen look, dare I say, not retarded.
But it’s ok because the Raiders also added Jake McCown, over rated and suspended Dominic Rhodes, and cast off WR Travis Taylor. I will give credit to Oakland for adding three interior O-linemen, but then again they still have not signed Jamarcus Russell, meaning either Daunte Culpooper, Andrew Walter or Jake McCown will be starting for them at QB for the foreseeable future.
The Raiders are the Nickelback of the NFL. Terrible, simply terrible.
Indianapolis Colts
No more Tarik Glenn, no more Booger McFarland, no more Rhodes, no more Jason David, no more Nick Harper, so long Mike Doss and Cato June.
So no dependable left tackle, no interior defensive line, the captain of the linebackers is gone and the whole secondary will be re-tooled. Am I the only one who sees this?
Side Note- UB’s Ramon Guzman has a shot of making the Colts. He is a speedy undersized LB, just like the Colts like!
NFC WINNERS
San Francisco Gold Diggers
This was seriously their logo for twenty years.
Added: Nate Clemens (for too much money), Michael Lewis, Tully Banta-Cain. They also locked up Hells Satan’s poster child Frank Gore. They drafted the highest rated LB Pat Willis (although I am not high on him) and WR Darrell Jackson.
Lost: Antonio Bryant- A clubhouse cancer.
Note- Rumor has it that specimen TE Vernon Davis has T.O. itis. Reports out of training camp have it that Davis has been running his mouth saying negative things about his teammates. This could be problematic as former Utah resident Alex Smith is not a proven leader.
Tampa Bay Bucs
YARGHHHHHH BITCHES! Now that is a classy color scheme.
Chucky might be back. Tampa added Jeff Garcia, Cato June, Kevin Carter, Luke Pettigout, Gaines Adams, Patrick Chukwarah. This is a retooled team who drafted well.
NFC LOSERS
BIG BLUE
Is that Y.A. Title?
The Giants did nothing in the off-season except let their left tackle go, let Strahan miss training camp, move a DE to LB and stick with a secondary full of guys with old balls who got torched last year. Tiki Barber is still blasting Tom Coughlin. This is a team in turmoil. At least resident loud mouth Jeremy Shockey has said he will be the leader on offense!
Green Bay
Who cares! They once again did nothing.
NFC PLAYOFF TEAMS
East- Dallas- On paper they look good
North- Chicago- They could win this division with Rashan Salam at RB
South- Tampa- The retooled Bucs are going to turn some heads
West- Seattle- No one has won more games in the NFC than Seattle the past 4 years.
Wildcards- Rams and Panthers.
NFC Winner- Seattle Makes it back to the show.
AFC PLAYOFF TEAMS
East- New England, that was easy
North- Ravens do it on D
South- Indianapolis- There is no other choice
West- Broncos- The Chargers hired Norv Turner to coach their team after all
Wildcards- Bills and Bengals
AFC Winner- Defense wins championships, B-more is in and my Ray Lewis jokes flow like water.
SUPERBOWL WINNER- Baltimore Ravens over Seattle 27-9
For those betting, Baltimore is 18/1 right now to win it all.
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September 5, 2008 at 11:29 pm |
[...] Last year, I opened up with Commissioner Goodell’s policy, which I was concerned would threaten my ‘arrest of the week’ feature. Since August 13, 2007 when I wrote those words, 68 NFL players (and now former NFL players) have been arrested. That is one player every 5.6 days! Goodell’s policy didn’t kill my best feature, it may have enhanced it. I would certainly be remiss if I did not mention the tip of the iceberg here. In Cincinnati’s last home game, Chris Henry, yes Chris Henry was named game captain for the Bengals. This is high comedy to be certain. [...]
September 27, 2008 at 8:38 am |
[...] my blog as I have been championing greater involvement for concussion-related issues in the NFL (it’s the third headline in case you hate reading). [...]